EVER MADE A FALSE god??

God is funny and absolutely alive, He talks to me and I am not insane :)) This morning as I went to read my life lessons not really having a lot of time for it , the Holy Spirit revealed to me the reason why I had such a hard time deciding yesterday. It blows me away. In Acts 7:40 it says

They told Aaron, 'Make us gods who will go before us. As for this fellow Moses who led us out of Egypt—we don't know what has happened to him!'

I made a god out of that opportunity that I turned down yesterday. I put all my hope in that instead of in the HEALER who is behind all that. Man, wow, I made a god out of it and I bet it was ag olden one. I am so thankful to the Holy Spirit, closest friend.

"Dear Lord, I am sorry for not trusting in you! You provide and your timing is my life! Forgive me and lead me today on your path everlasting! Thank you for showing the truth to me yesterday and thank you for making me bold to obey in trust. You did that. I was so broken but you are with me in all this! I love you, Lord! Your Princess"

poooooooooooooooooooooooh

....having decided ,I feel lighter but at the same time I am confronted with what I just let go....I see that I do not trust my God to be big enough to take care of it, to take care of me, to take care of my struggles. I am tired, but I know this decision was right in the light of my priorities and it is totally in alignment with God. It feels like crying after a loss. Weird, absolutely weird but ok.

"Here I am my God, tired and fearful, my stomach is turning and turning and sadness is creeping in. I know that you are in control and that your timing is so much better than mine. Thank you for guiding me through this although it felt so foggy, so cold. You alone know how important that decision was in the light my walk with you and all. You alone know what a hard act it was for me to let go. I am going deeper and in a whole new way that I thought I would.

I trust you my Lord I trust you with every sream I have in me, with every tear I cry, with every breath I am breathing, I trust you Jesus Christ! your Princess Kerstin"

trapped

yes thats what I feel: I feel frozen and the decision that lies in front of me seems harder and bigger than it actually is. Have you ever been there? I do not know if I should do it or not. I fear so many things and I struggle with watching me like that. I feel trapped....decisions decisions.....grrrr

convicted..again

yes I am convicted again. God is good. His word to me in this season is: "PATIENCE. Don't run before the wind is even there, but Kerstin, wait for my wind to carry you and direct your way exactly where you need to go. Do not try it on our own, rely on me",says God my FATHER

So Father, here I am, forgive me for running ahead without looking back, I want to give you total access into my life into all things because I know taht without you I cannot do it, I cannot do it.

YOur will be done...in YOUR time not mine!

AMEN

TRUEFACED ?

"Think about it- God's dreams for us reflect HIS heart. If we are not maturing in sync with His heart, how would we distinguish others-centered dreams from self-centered dreams? Many of us remain so wounded and preoccupied with our own stuff that we concoct our own tepid, cheap dreams and call them God's. After a while we would'nt recognize God's dream ofr us if it came up and shouted: Howdy, I'm your dream!"

GOD CANNOT HELP US UNTIL WE TRUST HIM WITH WHO WE REALLY ARE (P.16)

READ IT, IT IS AS MY FRIEND ALEXIS SAYS.....A MUST-READ!!!!

QUESTIONS?ASK ME......or ask Alexis :)))

The money is in- MIRACLES!!!!!!!

I am going to South Africa and I just got the exact amount of money I needed to meet the regulations to go in spring. WOW! God I am amazed and I stand in awe! Thank you! I totally know that I am called to go, in spring for 2 weeks

WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOW (did you here me scream?)

SOUTH AFRICA

So it is official right now: I will have a trip to South Africa in the spring (2 weeks of ministry at a church with restoration emphasis), I believe God has called me there for my next station. Please pray for me as I am walking on water here. Peter was couragous when he got out of that boat to walk on water. I have to say it feels really slippery and wet. I can feel the water around my ancels. But I believe and HE will show me. Right now I am fundraising (have 5 days to get 500 dollars in) and that is not easy but I am excited at the same time: this is part of my calling. Will tell you more about my calling on next blog. cheerio

D.A.N.C.E of faith

So this is amazing, give me another word...astonishing, stunning, wonderful. what? You might ask...let me tell you more about the dance I dance with my Savior and His magical timing: So as you have probably read my earlier blog of how God had told me about my very own warrior dance, this one will be a fun one for you: So I started to be really comfortable in my warrior dance when I heard that Jason and Nicki were going to talk about the D.A.N.C.E. of faith the following weekend at church. Ok, coencidence? NO! Sorry, I don't buy that! Service starts and I got sucked into this ballroom with Jesus, He is my leader and ladies, tell me if you know what I mean by the following statement: I will totally submit my all to a leader who knows to lead well without abusing rights without misleading me. Only if I trust this leader fully. If not, I don't want to submit, would YOU want to? So here comes Jesus, He is tender, He knows me, He does not abuse or mislead me, He has proven himself to be all-faithfull and gracious toward me. Why should I not trust HIM with all my life and dance with HIM the dance of my life, the dance of FAITH?

Dare to respond to his invitation

Act on the promise

Nevertheless:refuse to sit this one out!

Choose to PArtner in community

Expect a work of grace

In the zone that I am in right now, I really need to dare, act, say NEVERTHELESS, choose and expect great things. I choose to trust my leader, I choose to dance with HIM the dance of my life..going to a different country again (poooh), raising the funds, trusting HIM with all I have, then He will lead me into a new dance, MY DANCE, the dance of faith!!

DANCE DANCE DANCE COME ON!!

Dance dance dance to the rhythm of your heart! Dance dance dance or do you feel too smart?

Dance dance dance try your own new groove, dance dance dance show your new move!!

YOU CAN DO IT YOU CAN DO IT YOU CAN DO IT

YOU CAN DO IT YOU CAN DO IT!!!!

7 7 7 7 7 7 7

Happy Birthday to me , happy birthday to me..lalalalalal! I am 7 years old today! & years ago I became a Christian. I never want to stop celebrating this wonderful event that changed my whole life!!! Thank you dear Lord for reaching down to me and for getting my attention with a simple leaf!! 7 years..it sure seems more to me cuz living with God is much more intense! I am seven and I am really happy!! K.

A word from God

During worship in the Young Adults Group THE F.O.R.G.E. God spoke to me loud and clear. "Kerstin, you are warrior and you have a warrior dance, so dance the warriordance that is inside of you, train and perfect it!"

That is when I felt such an urge to dance and I sang victory into different areas of my life!

VICTORY!!! VICTORY!!! VICTORY!!!!

The warrior Princess!!

A week of renewal+Number 50!!!

This is my blog entry no 50!! And I am celebrating it right here right now (yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!)

This week has been absolutely enormous! A friend called it my week of renewal yesterday and I think I want to stick with this title WEEK OF RENEWAL. My strength has been renewed, my view of things has been renewed, my attitude has been renewed and my heart has been renewed. What a refrehment, what a delight, I know that I am right here with God!

Sunshine Kay

The Year Of Conviction - Heureka

Wow, yes, God is sovereign, doubts anyone???? This week I am housesitting for a colleague here at the church and it has been such a blessing for me so far. Over the weekend, I spend a lot of time with God, reading the Bible and listening to HIm. God convicts me time and time again...things that really cut through my heart, pierce it and let me cry in grief over how I behaved, over what I thought and all that jazz. I mean, it started during Christmas time when my folks were here and God showed me how much a lot of my pain was created by my misinterpretation of lots of situations, by my woudnedness and blindness because of that. Being convicted by God is a good thing, it really penetrates through soul and heart. It makes me cry and confess my misconceptions, my contempt, my jealousy, my pride.... This is how the truth sets us free, I'd say Galatians 5:1 is so true! Conviction does set me free. So back to last weekend and now: God showed me a lot of situations that I revisited where I was wrong, where I was centered around myself instead of around God, where I was not even close to let Jesus work in me. Pooh, that is not easy to face and it is painful but once I recognize it and own it and say: yes, God you are right, then God melts my heart and frees me to a higher freedom. It is hard to put into words. Yesterday during my quiet time I read the parable of the Lodt Son in Luke 15:11-35. I know this passage very well so I wondered if God could show me anything new or if it would just be one of those -read-it-again-moments. Guess what! God showed me a new perspective on the older son. I totally could see this one's jealousy knowing that he had done everything his father ever wanted, had been faithful and had not run off like the younger son. I saw the performance-drivenness. This son did not seem to trust his father. The relationship did not seem that close then. Just in the end in verse 31 the father has to tell the brother: YOU ARE AWLAYS WITH ME AND EVERYTHING I HAVE IS YOURS MY SON. Wow, this shows the fear that the older son had that he had to hear this and I guess the father really said this for the first time.

I see myself in that older son, the jealous brother. I have a lot of fears and I do not trust my Father in heaven like I could or like my heart longs for it. I am very performance-driven and it is hard for me to be. The younger son could receive forgiveness and the his father's grace and mercy. The older son was only bitter standing outside the party house, full of contempt. Wow.

Thank you Jesus for this insight, now let me grow in teh realtionship with you an the Father so that I can trust more and fear less! I love you!!

Your PRINCESS K

pics

So this is me and I am still looking for new pictures I have ....but all I have are noraml pics, not digital ones :(

This was in the last summer in Germany, my home country although this country (USA) here, has become so much of a home, too, it is wonderful :)

so long-K

DREAMGIRLS

WE ARE DREAMGIRLS......

THIS MOVIE IS AWESOME,I WATCHED IT TWICE IN 3 DAYS :)

it is good music, it is a good story and boy, Jennifer Hudson can sing! Check it out, it is in the local theatres and DREAM AWAY :)

and then God shows me this:

I think my attitude is better today, but I know who changed that one! let me tell you about my God. He so loves me that He reaches down frequently and makes things clear to me so that my heart understands and is able to grasp the truth! Amazing. So I went to the service at East HIll last night. I always go there way early to be there when the worship team practices for the evening. That is my private worship, I dance , I sing out really loud. This is a time to unwind after work and to get into the mood of service.

So I really had a good and soothing time in worship practice and then when service started and worship was in its prime, I felt miserable. We were singing about Jesus having holy thoughts about me. Man, that really touched me. He thinks holy and pure thoughts about me? And there I was with my stinkin attitude all that crap inside of me. I cried out to HIM saying: Really, you think that good about me? Then, I saw a picture, a little scene displayed before my inner eyes:

I saw Jesus cleaning something, it was a heart, it was my heart. He was cleaning it until it was shining and it looked like a mirror. Then I saw, totally humbled, that Jesus' reflection was in that mirror, in MY heart !

I fell on my knees crying out of joy out of relief and still struggling with unbelief how He is making my heart like a mirror and that clean that He is reflected in it for others to see!

That is why I am doing better today. I still have to revisit that scene to grasp the truth behind it. It is not about what is in my heart, not about the crap, the stuff inside of me that is unholy. It is about my God and how He views me through Jesus's eyes. through these eyes I am pure and holy!

MArvel at that for a while and know that this is the same truth about you, friend!

Kerstin

Emotional? whatever! Wrong Attitude? I guess

Man, my attitude is stinkin this morning. I mean, I took time off yesterday to relax and actually sleep and rest. I did but it seems I need more. Maybe I need more GOD-time and the maybe is wrong there for I know that is what I need. I am frustrated with where I am on my healing journey, I am not exactly gracious towards myself and the tiniest things tick me off today. Today or already yesterday? I know that I am in a ticked off phase and now my goal is not to go any further down my FASTER scale. This scale gives a closer picture of how we move from the Restoration phase to Relapse through Anxiety, Ticked off, Exhausted. It helps me to see where I am and shows me that I have a responsability and a choice to turn around.

Well, I am ticked and myself and at people and surely at God.

Lord, you are here with me, sitting with me on this white hospital bed in this room that is stinking. It is pain that smells, it is death that smells. There is a lot of that in me and I often do not want to look at it, LORD. It hurts to look at it. A lot of good things happen in my life and YOU show me joy and love in the midst of my crap and my shortcomings, Thank you lord, this is not a given, I know. Help me to sit here with you, willing to trust in YOU my Lord and Healer, my Shield and my strength!

your Kerstin Sunshine

Kerstin's mailround in the morning

My mailrounds are special to me. In the mornings, I take all the mail I get at the Post office at 7:30am and I walk through all the offices at East Hill to distribute it. I do the same around 2pm again. It is awesome to meet different people from staff here that I do not know that much. I see the Holy Spirit lead and guide me in converstations, it is amazing.

I want to tell you about one special thing from my morning rounds. Whenever, I step out of the children center I always forget what a beautiful view awaits me! I open the huge doors to breathe some fresh air and then, beams of sunlight touch my face. Light fills my whole being and I have to close my eyes for the sun is so bright! Then laughter and joy rises up from deep within me like a bubbling brook and I thank my God for that blessing right there! How can I forget it again until God exposes me so lovingly to it again? I don't know but this morning I decided to tell someone, to testify and share the joy of my heart on my mailrounds in the mornings here in Gresham :)

This one's to YOU ....

I think I should write a book sometime, several people already told me. God is giving me a lot of insight and I think I am supposed to share it. I am always thrilled when HE lets me share it and people ask me things and I feel totally blessed to share wisdom. It is not about me but about what God can impart in us. It is not about me, not about me although I am the HIS most priceless posession, as much as every one of us is. Wow, that blows my mind. The picture from this blog entry is one that really touches my soul in a new and refreshing, in a tender and fullfilling way. I am inspired by pictures I see and I looove to write what comes to my heart. See, this golden heart on the left side is a heart completely satisfied by itself. It looks to the future and asks itself what the future may hold. Kerstin, the future holds wonderful things, a tenderness never grasped, a love never able to embrace a hope that surpasses all doubts and pain! This is my heart, guys and it is filled with HOPE. Why? Only God knows and He is the one who filled it! This one's to you, dear Jesus!!!

2007 is rolling in AND...

2007 is rolling and I am still, thankful and yet processing a whole lot from my past and my present. I feel I am on Jesus'couch (anyone been there??) and He is counselling me, telling me things, letting me realize truths about me and my parents. It is amazing. I needed my parents to leave so normal life can start again and so that I can process. It was a huuuge ting to have them here. 2 Years ago, they would have never thought to do that for they did not want me so far away from them in the first place.

I stand in awe and I am humbled. Why? Let me explain:

I am humbled to my knees because Jesus showed me how muchI had kept my parents in a box. They adapted so well here and made lifelong friends. They loved it here. Did I expect them to be my enemy? Well, Iviewed them like that the past 6 years for a ot of reasons. The biggest reason would be my fear and woundedness though- dang it! I am learning to receive God's grace in this knowing that He WAS with me, IS with me and WILL BE with me...always! I have seen God's love working in their hearts and souls. There were nights when I was crying, on my knees, not understanding this goodness and change; when I was standing in awe thanking my Creator. Maybe it sounds very strange to you or just totally loaded with emotion and intensity, well, HELLO that is me and that is how I process :)

2007 is rolling in and I am glad for a new year, yet I don't really get it. I am ready yet I am not. DO YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? I am ready and motivated to be a HISTORY-MAKER, a LIFE-CHANGER, a JESUS-EMBRACER, a PATIENCE-WANTER, a CHALLENGE-TAKER.

Are YOU ready???

So my MOM asks....

...this question one night before they flew home. "Kerstin, how did you become a Christian and what does -becoming a Christian- mean anyway?"

WOW, I was blown away. I have to tell you that I have never had such good talks with my mom than I have had here when they were over visiting! I was able to give my testimony, to tell her my story and how God touched my life and how I decided to never let HIM go. It was the best talk ever and I felt safe to share, for once not afraid of being attacked or questioned about my believes. It was healing and freeing. I love my mom and my dad so much and God humbled me big time during these last 10 days that they were here. It was awesome to establish an ADULT-ADULT reltionship with them. Besides, I could tell that my communication skills had emproved more and more.

Thank you God, glory be to YOU, you are my fortress, my comfort and my Healer!!

Your Goldschatz kerstin Sunshine

GOD IS GOOD - energized 4 the nEW YEAR

Here we are, it is a new year and Iam energized THANK GOD!! I've had wonderful discussions with my mom and dad over the last days. It is amazing how our relationship has chifted from child-parent to adult -adult. I am so thankful. I have been learning a lot though and people around me have been patient and loving through this time. I am glad. Last week there was a day when I felt I lost my mind. My emotions were like a roller coaster and I felt seriously overwhelmed. I am so glad that God is in control and I can always come to HIM. I am energized to please God, NOT people. I am ready to take on what HE will be giving to me this coming year. Are you, too?

HAPPY NEW YEAR 2007 2007 2007

2007 already! Was I ready for it? yes and no. Happy new year to you! So many things have been happening and my little mind has tried to digest all of that. A lot of new learnt stuff and wisdom fills my heart and soul this very day! I will share : I am learning how to be myself , not to be a people pleaser but still be responsible and sensitive. It is a fine line and not possible without the lvoer of my life: Jesus! I am learning how I have put my parents in a box. They have changed and amaze me every day now. God is good, soooo good and He is teaching me more about His abundant grace. I am so self-centered (thank you ALEXIS, that was a good blog and totally confirmed what I have been thinking these days!!), I hardly worship and praise my LORD for who HE IS !! So much performance drivenness. I so do not know how to BE. MAN, I am glad that I can learn with Jesus (He says: Learn from me, do as I do ) Iam realizing how much I want to control things and how much I actually CANNOT control!

Glory be to God in the Highest

Kerstin Sunshine Goldschatz HAppy New Year 2007