TrueFaced

We can never resolve our sin by working on it (David Lynch- TrueFaced) Living out off who God says I am (David Lynch) Standing with God looking at my sin together and working on it whenever I am ready (David Lynch)

So I am watching the dvds to the book TRUEFACED. Really really good and challenging. In there David Lynch and his co-authors introduce the idea of the two rooms, one is called ROOM OF GOOD INTENTIONS (pleasing God) and one is called GRACE (trusting God). As they paint the picture in front of the reader's eyes, it gets very clear how the first room is the room we go in frequently, but the second room is the one where we can be ourselves, where we can let go, where we feel peace and acceptance and love. The more I am thinking about these two rooms, the sadder I become in a way. Why? I see myself in that room of good intentions. I want to please God and make things better, I have the best intentions and when I mess up, I get angry with myelf. Bammm, I am back in the cycle again. I just want to be in the ROOM OF GRACE, I do not know how it works yet really. However, I want to be there with all my heart, with all that is left within me. Trusting... that is a challenge in itself, whenever I worry or control, I practically tell God that I do not trust His sovereign leadership. crap!!

So here Iam, loosing the battle again and again, Lord, show me the room of grace, so I do not land in the one with just good intentions and masks, ok? Help me out of that perfomance and in to grace and receiving love-piece! I need you Lord, I do not want to live off of self-effort and shallow small talk. I want to dive in deep into your heart to learn how to be gracious to myself and how to let you be perfectly powerful in my weakness!

trapped

yes thats what I feel: I feel frozen and the decision that lies in front of me seems harder and bigger than it actually is. Have you ever been there? I do not know if I should do it or not. I fear so many things and I struggle with watching me like that. I feel trapped....decisions decisions.....grrrr

Emotional? whatever! Wrong Attitude? I guess

Man, my attitude is stinkin this morning. I mean, I took time off yesterday to relax and actually sleep and rest. I did but it seems I need more. Maybe I need more GOD-time and the maybe is wrong there for I know that is what I need. I am frustrated with where I am on my healing journey, I am not exactly gracious towards myself and the tiniest things tick me off today. Today or already yesterday? I know that I am in a ticked off phase and now my goal is not to go any further down my FASTER scale. This scale gives a closer picture of how we move from the Restoration phase to Relapse through Anxiety, Ticked off, Exhausted. It helps me to see where I am and shows me that I have a responsability and a choice to turn around.

Well, I am ticked and myself and at people and surely at God.

Lord, you are here with me, sitting with me on this white hospital bed in this room that is stinking. It is pain that smells, it is death that smells. There is a lot of that in me and I often do not want to look at it, LORD. It hurts to look at it. A lot of good things happen in my life and YOU show me joy and love in the midst of my crap and my shortcomings, Thank you lord, this is not a given, I know. Help me to sit here with you, willing to trust in YOU my Lord and Healer, my Shield and my strength!

your Kerstin Sunshine