Habakkuk and Ibex :)

A few weeks ago I head a "hell" of a week. I think it is safe to say that the week stretched into a month of hard time. Being on this side, I can tell you it is a hard time.Emotionally, I am battling but I know that God wants me to embrace this time. I know that HE is using this so I better start learning I guess. I think of that post and I still feel lile the woman , the statue ont he pic I used. Now a new month has begun...I am shaking my head...feeling a bit like Job....I could ask questions: Why?? - but he also learned in his situation, he said: blessed be the name of the Lord. Boy, I can learn from Job. On sunday, I watched a great show on National Geographic on IBEX. First, when I heard that word Ibex ( Are you ready for some German crazyness?), I thougth: Eyebacks hehehe Anyway, as I watched and listened I thougth of Habakkuk 3 that I had started to read. In verse 18 and 19 it reads int he NIV: yet I will rejoice in the LORD, I will be joyful in God my Savior. The Sovereign LORD is my strength; he makes my feet like the feet of a deer, he enables me to go on the heights. As I saw those Ibex hopping from cliff to rock and rock to cliff, I thought back to the "deer", the "surefooted deer" as in New King James Verson of the same verse. Habakkuk must have thought of the IBEX. SO I watched those Ibex, those wild goats in the Judean Desert near the Dead Sea. Horns on bucks grow up to 120 cm / 48 inches long, and have 24-36 knobs on the outer curve. Those horns are hollow so when the bucks fight and smach their horns against each other, they won't get hurt. It is amazing. They will have their babies on the top of a mountain front, but then they need to climb down every day for food. Climbing down the wall of death is what fascinated me the most. Seeing those IBEX having such a sure footing really was amzing. Ibex are of the goat family, Capra but have further developed short muscular limbs with rubbery hooves to enable their survival on the rough, rocky mountains and stony screes they defend as their own. The males of this agile species have also developed the longest and most heavily reinforced horns, seen in mature adults, crowning them king of their mountains. I am and stay amazed and as Habakkuk three ends in the NKJV: 19 The LORD God [a] is my strength; He will make my feet like deer’s feet, And He will make me walk on my high hills. Yes, MY GOD WILL get me over this high hill , HE WILL!!

A "hell" of a week

It is friday evening, I am sitting at a little Cafe in a mall watching all the people go to the movies. They all pass my table where I am sitting trying to find a breather from all that happened this last week: my email account got hijacked, my facebook account as well (not to mention my nearly nonexisting myspace account)!! A few hours ago, I found out why I had other problems as well. Back to the movie crowd now: it is friday night so they all buzz in from all sides. While I am watching this scene unfold I ask myself a funny question:

Why do they all look so put together? / Why do they all walk as if they proudly displayed the latest fashion?/ Why all this effort when they go see a movie IN UTTER DARKNESS???

Have you ever thougth of that? It is nice to sit here and relax,breathing in....slowly...breathing out. I learned a lot this week. Learning , real learning is painful because it always costs us something. However, learning is important and I want o learn. I love the feeling when I realized something and am able to put it into practice now. I am glad I can sit here and observe, breathing in and breathing out. The week started in church with a message that really hits the sweet spot right now: Give thanks and Praise God in ALL circumstances. My soul and heart aches for the peace of God that transcends all understanding, so I start to thank the Lord (Pil 4)

JohnBeckiCHALLENGE

Dear you, please take a few minutes and check out two videos that John and Becki Rusk (I blogged on them and their challenge in my last blog post) downloaded. One is about them explaining what is going on right now and one video is stunning as it shows a Buffalo herd and a little Buffalo being attacked. Watch and stand in awe! go here.

TRAPPED

TRAPPED/LOST in some way The picture I put on here inspired me when I found it online. Look at those 12 little ones trapped in that bucket. Trapped. Trapped is how I have been feeling this week. It is a feeling of being lost in some sort of way. I still know who I am and I know who my Father and my Savior is. Yet I am processing very good things that need to reach my heart instead of only my brain. I feel trapped in a circle of events that seem to always happen in the same way. I am glad that my feelings do not reflect God’s reality for HE is with me and HE is my lighthouse as HE told me today. He will shed more light and HE will help me grow in this, HE will light the way for me. Only with HIS help I can get out of this trap that past hurt and experiences have opened up for me. Do you feel trapped in any area or any way? KSB

underSOMETHING

I know that my Reeemer lives and I know I have to start this post with this assurance. I also know that the enemy does not sleep, he is otu to kill , steal and distroy. The third thing that I know is that the enemy waits for a HIGH to end, for the adrenalin to stop, so he can start choking the truth out of the vulnerable people. Why do I write this? Because i see my church family and myself in this process right now. We come from 2 conferences at our new Church buidling and our official opening and dedication of the church building. It has been a very itnense time of giving hours and work to let God be glorified. This week has been a hard one for all of us. I can see the enemy just prawling and waiting for attack. It is like inthis picture. he waits udner water and wants to attack, shooting arrows and torpedos at us, at me. I am glad for God's protection. He is my tower and my shield. He will help me to sleep better and HE will help my soul to calm down. Just know that whenever you have experienced a mountain top, the valley is not far, prepare yourself, put on the armor of God and praise HIM who will lead you through! That is what I am doing....trying to do at least while I am recovering.

PottersHANDS

In the Potter’s hands I am glad I know the Potter. I am glad I know my God....but then I wake ap and my longing increases to get to know HIM even more. Then I realize I hardly know HIM. I am in the Potter’s hands. Think with me: as the Israelites passed through the Red Sea, they must have been amazed and in total AWE. Yet, shortly after that, they find themselves grumbling and being impatient for the promise of God had given them was not as close at hand as they tought. They found themselves at Marah, the place with the bitter waters NOT KNOWING that in God’s bigger picture they would reach ELIM, a place with fresh springs of water and Palm trees. They did not see it coming. I I can see this being displayed in my life right now. I try to trust God and believe my Potter for the desire of my heart that seems to grow stronger and stronger. Yet I am faced with my own grumbling, disbelief and my doubts andmy struggles. I hear myself complain to the Potter – listen to THIS: The clay is complaining t o the Potter Himself!!!! I realize that God sees the bigger picture and that He is actually leading me to the bountiful springs of Elim, to provision and at the end to the Promised Land. This is a time of character building o….yet again. I love my Potter, I love Him soooo much and as I come as Kerstin to Him, my wish is to be moldable clay, my wish is to bear good fruit, to be patient and wait for my ELim. I am in the Potter’s hands!!

myJERICHO

Culture shock...my JerichoShare 2:40pm Wednesday, Mar 19 | Edit Note | Delete Wow it is three weeks that I set my feet on South African soil and since then I've walked this ground....on the beach....on the streets....on the Ostrich Farm.... so after realizing more and more taht I am experiencing some culture shock...I decided to proclaim taht I am starting to walk around my Jericho and when the time comes I will blow the horn and I will sing and worship and after a while of walking and praying around this Jericho I WILL see the walls fall!!!!! My Jericho? that is me being here in CApe Town, where i know God called me to but NOW finding HOW HE wants me to do what He has given me and knowing GOD that will be quite a journey cuz our God cannot be put into a box and I try not to put HIM there. My heart is willing ..sometimes fear creeps in and I ask myself how on earth am I supposed to do what God is calling me to...but then I know taht I just need to be Kerstin and HE will do the rest :) I call the walls of my Jericho to fall!!! JERICHO and its fall!!!!!!! read about in thebook of Joshua

34 days, no visa yet and still 752 $ under my budget goal!!!

Dear friends, I am writing this in the week where I thought I would have been able to apply for the visa at the lastest :( I still need 752 $ to be donated and commited to the mission of healing and restoration which God called me to in Cape Town. In all this, I am amazed at How God works. I am amazed that I got down from 1600 $ to 752 $ with the help of friends and supporters in the US as well as here in Germany. I know how important it is to have supporters from my home country and the more I am here, the more I see God moving here. This week is the 2nd advent here in Germany. This means that we just lit the second candle out of four. The 4 sundays before Christmas, we have a countdown with candles so to speak :) This is part of the German way and tradition in this Christmas season. In and with this note, I ask you humbly to keep on praying for me. This time is not easy emotionally as the day of my flight is coming closer fast.

-Please pray for protection and wisdom and times where I can let God cover and surround me to just be with HIM! -Please pray and ask God if you would be able to support me with 20 Dollars per month for one year (from Jan. to Dec. 2008 =this would be an investment of 240 $ next year all in all) and please pray that God touches people who hear HIM direct them to supporting me in this way! -Please pray for favor at the consulat -Please pray for good communication -Please pray for HIS peace to reign in me in this stormy season

My parents are doing fine, well my dad is headed towards a big operation (he will get a new artificial hip) and therefore he is in pain a lot. The operation is in january. My mom is doing ok, still overworked but ok. I am happy to see her sing at church in her choir this sunday and the sunday after that, her and my dad will come and join me at my church. WOW! 12 times 20 = 240 12 times 25 = 300 12 times 30 =360 If people can commit to support me at least for the next year monthly with either 20, or 25 or 30 $, it would help me and bless others and hopefully I would be able to apply for the visa soon! Thank you for your prayers and thank you for providing me with things to pray for you as well. May God bless and guide you this week, Kerstin

My identity in CHRIST

This was the title of what I spoke about last wednesday and it was exactly that topic that God chose to reveal to me in a deeper way. I am humbled and thankful. I am so thankful that God has not only made me wiser but stronger in HIM over the past couple of days!! It all started with my teaching. I felt extremely unworthy to preach about that topic for I felt not like a princess or a child of Go dor an overcomer in CHrist at all. I fought with tons of stupid lies that seemed bigger than they actually are. The day after my teaching I actually fell into a depression and I was physically down as well. I knew that I believed lies instead of God's truth at that point, but I only knew it with my mind. God reminded me of what He had shown me about the fact that I should just come to him with what I have and with HIS touch only it would turn into something. A night later I went to a seminar and was prayed over and that was when I realized somethign extremely important: I had tried to find my identity in my role as a long term missionary instead of in Jesus. I had tried to figure out to do everything right, to read a lot to learn a lot and to do all that is required of a missionary like me. I stopped seeing myself in CHrist first. As I said in my last blog entry, I am not a superwoman! I have never been a missionary and I have never done what I will soon be doing. I simply have no clue and only with the touch of Jesus something can happen here...only with HIS touch. Funny how God let me teach about it to start the process of introspection and now I see, now I understand and I am glad that He has shown me ....here and now. Here, Jesus, this is all I have, I give you Kerstin, ALL OF HER, and with your touch we will touch the world to do the impossible!!! Kerstin, a child of God, HIS masterpiece

God's encouragement! Thank you dear LORD

Tonight I was at a Youth group and we had worship. I helped out. After the 3rd song, my heart ached more and more for God to touch me and fill me. I have been feeling so unworthy and filthy, so bad during the past days. I felt unworhty of my calling and could not udnerstand why God had chosen me. After that 3rd song God gave me a picture:

I could see with my inner eye that God poured out clear fresh water into my open hands. He said: "Wash yousrelf!" I washed my face and felt the refreshment. At the same time I could see God's approval of me in whatever circumstance.

THANK YOU DEAR LORD!! THANK YOU THAT YOU ALONE CAN MAKE ME WORTHY!!!!

learning HIS ways.....

Learning HIS ways is not easy but it is rewarding in the end. Learning HIS ways is challenging to the highest degree. Learning HIS ways is a priviledge for the children of God. Learning HIS ways is painful but it seems that I only learn through a certain amount of pain. My head is turning from right to left for I do not understand this. I do not want to go through pain. Yet, I seem to choose so every once in a while. Learning HIS ways is a journey, a process and I am yet to learn how to receive this simple truth...to accept it and to walk with it!! The other day I went swimming. I love swimming but have not swum for over 3 years. This week I went to swim and dive and do some sport. Everything I do has a certain spiritual meaning to me and a lot of times God talks to me while I am doing this or that. Well, swimming has a special spiritual meaning for me: It is cleansing, refreshing and calming in a way. The most calming thing is when I dive and am under water for a while..........then........I look around.....I do not hear anything ....but I see the light that breaks itself and penetrates the water....all is silent......all is like in slow motion. It is there and then my soul finds rest from the business of the day and it is there that I feel I can take on the next thing God wants to teach me...it is there that I can sense HIS hope in me. It is weird that Paul is right when He says that God's strength is made perfect in our weakness.......it is so weird for I want to be strong and yet I observe Jesus how HE uses me in my complete and sheer weakness, in my deepest moments. I am glad that my JEsus loves me and knows me and I give HIM my heart.

JESUS, humbled I come to you and say: HERE I AM USE ME, use me as I am, frail and a sinner. USE me to glorify you Lord Jesus! Amen

FREIHEIT! FREEDOM!!

I thought I write a little and proclaim FREEDOM in my life. I will attach a picture to this post that totally shows what my heart is longing for. Freedom from chains of performance that seem to bind me. At least I am fighting that a lot. I will concentrate on FREIHEIT right now: that day I was on a walk with my mom and I showed her where I would walk and spend time outside during the week. She loved it. Then we passed by a little playground and I saw the slide, the red slide. I gave my camera to my mom , told her to take a picture of me and then I ran up there to slide down and scream like a little girl. I did this 3 times and had such fun. My mom was laughing out loud and we both had fun. I need this freedom again. I feel I seem to have lost it somehwere on the way. FREIHEIT

OH Lord, cover me and free me from that performance-driven crap inside my head. Help me to BE with you and help me to receive from you, help me to be mroe Kerstin Sunshine who has been set free 7 years and 9 months ago...and a few days. Lord I need you for I want to do waht you ask me to. My heart is for you Jesus, Your Princess Bride Kerstin

Coming back from a good walk and talk with BIG J

I have just come back from a long walk with Jesus. It is pretty amazing how wonderful HE is. It is pretty amazing how ALIVE HE is and I am absoluty in love with God.I am going through some dissappointments with myself, with other people and through some pain that is envolved in that. It is so good to talk with Jesus about it. He understands. Last week when I was with my friends and my little Godson, God woke me up one night. I woke up at 3:30 am and NO I had not eaten any pizza that night... (lol) and I was awake. I was so awake that it scared me (grin) After half an hour of trying to fall back to sleep I gave in and was reminded of little Samuel who was woken up by God. Samuel finally got it and answered: Here I am my Lord, what do want to tel me? So I asked the same. No answer...but I was more awake than before. Then I thought I could start to pray for things and asked God to show me the needs and to show me my heart. God led me to pray for my parents, to pray for the family I stayed at and He gave me a promise for that family. He asked me to bless people who hurt me and dissappointed me and He asked me to forgive myself. I got more and more excited and the thought of going back to sleep was way back in my mind. After 2 hours I started to get tired and fell asleep at about 5:30am thinking: Oh my oh my, I will be so exhausted when little FAlk comes to my bed in the morning to wake me up to play with him at 7am.............but surprisingly I was not exhausted. Surprisingly, I was up even before and ready for the day when the little cutie came to welcome me into the new day! Last week God spoke to me about patience and having children. See, I really love children, I love babies. They always love to be held by me. Yet, I experienced a very exhausting life as a mother last week. Little Falk stopped sleeping during noon...no nap for mom and my friend Sandra was so exhausted ;( It was easier for me than for her since this was just one week out of my life whereas THIS WAS her life. I thought a lot about my wish to have my own children one day. Good that all this is in God's hands but I was not the most patient auntie last week sometimes. I got reminded of all that after reading a friend's blog post (Christine). Interesting how God speaks to us. Here are some words out of a song, an old song sung by Steven Curtis Chapman:

I can hear it in the baby's cry In a mother's lullaby Everytime the morning sky Begins to glow I can feel it pounding deep inside It's keeping faith alive And i will not let it die The heartbeat of hope I am learning I'm learning as I go Just how thankful hope can be The ache of yearning Can never let you go It has become a part of me But pure are the longings Holding on and holding out I'll keep holding to the one thing I know I can not live without

So I hold on to Jesus, I hold on because He is my life, HE IS my justice, He is my patience and HE is my wisdom, He is my all in all HE IS!!!!He is who HE is (Exodus 3:14) He is all that in me that I can never fully achieve. I want to achieve and achieve and operate in the spirit of religiosity, I am not better than any pharisee and I expect so much of me that my own expectations want to tangle me, BUT I DO NOT NEED THAT. I AM A CHILD OF GOD and in HIS NAME is my healing and my salvation, my righteousness and my justice!

Moldable clay, that is what I want to be

Moldable like clay in the POTTER's hands......... I am being molded and changed into something new....a few moments ago the Potter was doing something with his right finger on me, making a line, a curve, then He took the whole of me and started something new. The clay , which is me, is being bent, being shaped into something new. It hurts, the pain goes deep, it is hard to let go and hard to see now what the POTTER already knows and sees for HE knows His plan and the big picture. Tje only thing that remains for the clay is to trust in HIS/Her creator, to trust that this creator knows HIS job and sees already the finished product: a beautiful vase with a butterfly on it.

Thank you dear God, in your arms I commit my soul and my "clay", mold me, shape me as you like it for YOUR will be done! YOur bride Kerstin, the moldable clay

Adventure? Desert? What?

I am back in Germany now for the 4rth day. I fight the flu and am in bed a lot, am tired and absolutely weak. I am so glad that my Shepherd Jesus is with me. He comforts me and holds me and sings over me by night (just as the propeht Zephania writes). The feeling of being overwhelmed seems a normal one these days and I try to be ok with it. Old thought patterns come like waves and I need the shield of faith and the belt of truth from my Father to choose against all that. I try to figure out what kind of visa I need for South Africa, am feeling lonely and alone in all this, knowing that that is such a stinking lie. I feel like in a desert spiritually speaking, yet I know I am right where I need to be these days. I read in Isaiah and John and take walks with my Jesus.....one of these days I will post a video of my first walk here. I just need my laptop to be online with me LOL. I go through grief at the same time and jetlag and culture shock. Still I would call it an adventure. God made me for such a time as this. I need encouragement deep in my soul, I need Jesus.................. Isn't it awesome that we need Jesus the most when we are in a desert? So there....

My dear best friend Jesus, please have mercy on me and help me to be responsable of what thougths I let in and where i need to renounce bad stuff. Help me dear God and give me a humble and contrite heart, so I can hear you and follow your ways. point my feet in the way they should go...today and tomorrow...and help me with all the calls to the consulat. Lead me, guid me, it is you I desperately need LORD! Ur sunshine Kerstin

One of those days I guess

Today is a really weird day for me. I woke up tired and with a heavy heart. No spark in me and I feel weary. I look at the picture of that little rabbit and as this one just does not want to look what is going on ...just as that one....so it is with me today. I just want to close my eyes and sing lalalalalal and not look. I want to hide in the shadow of me Almighty daddy, wanna feel His wings surrounding me, hearing HIS voice telling me: It is ok, Kerstin. I am here with you. Something that has happened or is happening just saddens my heart. It is nothing big although for me it is but I know that my high's are higher than other people's highs and my lows are lower than other people's lows. I try not to sink into self pity and will go home now to rest and take care of myself. What a weird day...one of those days, I guess

OH MY GOSH!!!!!

Here i am, it is past midnight after 3 full and eventful days here in Cape Town, Le CAPE. I am absolutely astonished, my friends. It is so beautiful here and warm and sunny! A lot reminds me of Southern France where i have been a lot in my life. It feel like hoem although it is soooo far away, so unerneath the equator..... The moon looks different here ....can you believe it? I am amazed..and absolutely in awe. I am dependant on God ..even more than in the States, I need God for not freeking out. I am full of fear these days and at the same time the adrenaline of the fact that I am doing what I am built for does not make sense.. what an oximoron. I fear a lot and in the first 2 days I just wanted t ducka nd run away..... am I supposed to move here? really? Or am I dreaming? Do I make a mistake and will I fall in depression....all my core fears come up and try to pull me down. It makes sens!Yet I am swinging the stone of David in my hand, the stone that tells me taht nothing is too hard for my God! Please pray with me that I can trust God, taht I discern and that I let HIM lead me and vise versa! JESUS YOU ARE LORD YOU REIGN FOREVER MORE JESUS YOU ARE LORD YOU REIGN YOU REIGN HOLD ME STRENGTHEN ME CLOTHE ME FEED ME AND HELP ME BREATHE EVERY SECOND OF THE DAYKERSITN SUNSHINE

German ramblings- OG=Only German

Also jetzt mal ehrlich, meine change group ist schon echt gut und immer wieder werde ich herausgefordert- mensch, heute war es schon echt krass. Ich bin emotional ziemlich fertig, da ich vehement eine grosse Erkaeltung abwimmeln will und schon total ermuedet bin. Dazu kommen Halschmerzen, laufende Nase und einfach Schlappheit. Grr. Ich will nicht krank sein, denn wir fliegen in 5 tagen nach Suedafrika! oh mann! all das und in der Kleingruppe heute abend ging es um Aengste, Aerger, Essen, etc, um Sachen die wir fuehlen oder tuen, um nicht Schmerz oder tiefe Aengste entgegen zu sehen. Bei dem Thema Essen hab ich zugemacht:

da hab ich keine Probleme, ich hab schon genung was ich staendig beschaue, lasst ich bloss in dem Gebiet zufieden!

Huch wo kam denn das her? Diese Stimme in mir war laut. Krass. Ich weiss dass hinter so einer Reaktion meist mehr steckt. Und meine Hausaufgabe ist es , mich dem zu stellen. Oh mann, was ne Hausaufgabe. Mein Gott der in mir ist, ist groesser als der Herrscher dieser Welt. Und mein Gott will mich frei sehen, frei von Aengsten und Schmerzen! Danke dir mein Gott und Herr! Dir allein gehoert mein Herz und all mein Klumpen Muell den ich mit mir herum trage, hilf mir mich zu respektieren wenn ich schwach bin denn dann bist naemlich DU superstark!!!! Deine Kerstin

The butterfly on the hard ground....

This is how I am feeling ...a butterfly ...on the stony and hard ground..the beautiful butterfly that seems to be without orientation...trying to find some green and lively pastures and some colorful flowers..just some LIFE instead of hard ground around...I am describing my feelings which are different from the facts and from my faith. However, they seem to overshadow my world today. I am leading more these days, leading in the area of my anointing and I can feel the resistance. I can feel my vulnerability. I can see : The fact is I am a butterfly, the faith confirms it. But then I feel lost and overwhelmed and just tired or easily irritated. I am taking care of myself now and tomorrow and specially on friday, that is my day :) My Dear Lord, I love you, I so love you and I am so glad that you are excited about me and that you are intersted in how I am doing every second of the day. Please protect my heart soul and mind, my vulnerable state of being today and hem me in dear beloved Jesus! Show me the green pastures around me and the beautiful colorful flowers..I am sick of looking at the hard ground around me!!!

OUWY

Ouwy, that is what a little girl says when being asked how she is doing and she has an OUWY. Well I have lots of OUWYS today: my head hurts and all my joints seem to hurt. I am soo slow in all I do today. I am off work and in 15 minutes we have staff meeting and I am tired and my head hurts. Jesus told us to have a childlike faith- I also want to be a little girl when I come to HIM and tell HIM where I have an OUWY Anyone else any OUWYS?