THOUGHTS ON HEALING

It has been a while and time really flies these days. I feel inspired to share some thoughts about HEALING since we start up new healing groups at Coastlands Community Church next month. Healing sounds easy and desirable. Yet, it is really hard work in different ways. First it requires a hard look at oneself...Denial has to go out the window. This first step is one of the hardest. Denial is hard to pass by and honestly, I believe that only a realization given by the Holy Spirit can bring about the change and let one look at oneself in the light of truth. After the wall of denial starts crumbling down, pain begins to surface….pain and fear. Pain and fear are not easy to handle. I would even say that everyone instantly wants to run away or cover up all of it. That is where the journey towards healing can end for a lot of people who cover up their pain and fear under lots and lots of different things. Believe me, that is the easy way out….it is an instinct to do just that. Furthermore, it takes more than will power and a conscious decision to look at the pain. Yet, if one wants change and healing, there is only one way. It is a process and it nothing changes in a day. It is a choice to go through the pain instead of around it. There are no short-cuts when healing is concerned. I don’t like that part and would love to run away every time pain surfaces…but that are definitely is not the answer. Besides, I have experienced it more than one time when I let the pain surface and look at it and let Jesus take it away, then do heal and change. I do know that it is not an easy road, but it is def. the most rewarding road ever. I have seen people set free from bondages, from pain, from fears. There is such beauty about the new and changed person…a beauty that comes from deep within. My heart and passion is for healing even though it is a hard road.

9YEARS

It is time again to celebrate…now for the 9th time!!! WOW! Today, nine years ago (!!!!!), I gave my life to Jesus in a very nice flat in Lausanne/Switzerland. The flat belonged to Christine and God led her to lead me to HIM! Every year on this day, I make a special note, do a special thing and remember that special time that turned my life upside down – UPSIDE DOWN in the best way possible!!! I remember when Christine and I had finished the little prayer (boy was I nervous and excited for I had never prayed like this…2 people together), Christine told me that I am a Christian now and we went from her kitchen into the living room where all the others from our Bible Study waited and I announced:

I think, I guess I am a Christian now

–grin- I remember it as if it where yesterday! Then we popped a German (!!!!) bottle of Champaign and took this picture!!! Blessings to the one who risked so much to reach out to me at that time…blessings to all those who did! Now, 9 years later, I followed God’s call on my life to go to South Africa to bless people in need here. Crazy stuff but fun stuff….stuff to praise and worship the only one who could make this possible: Jesus Christ-DADDY-Holy Spirit=3 in one…what a mystery !!!! I have more of my testimony on my blog on earlier posts from 2 years ago- feel free to browse through HERE! I know that without Jesus, I would not be here, without Jesus I guess I would be in a very complicated marriage and without Jesus I definitely would not be the woman I am today! HE reminds me of this every day…every day I know that without HIM I can do nothing (John 15:4) A humble Miss Sunshine on a very sunny day here in Cape Town

POWERofTHANKFULLNESS

I have been pondering on this one: the power of thankfullness, the power of giving thanks to GOD, to the right source. Recently, I was given a nugget, a wonderful piece of truth and understanding that totally flashed me. I am going through a rather intersting time emotionally and it is so awesome how God , my PAPPA has been holding me and guiding me in this. Being thankful is a big thing and it is often the least I want to be....yes in my heart this is what I want but then my emotions want to take over...EVER BEEN THERE? When I function in my emotions, I am judgemental, I want revenge, I dont understand and I blame, I struggle and I cry ...BUT all this is not new to my Creator!! THANK GOD! He mad me so HE knows. Go with me to the moment where Jesus finally got to the tomb of Lazarus....we know he was late (in our eyes and in Mary and Martha's eyes!!)...he is standing in front of one of his good friend's tomb. He could have pleaeded with his (our) Heavenly Father like this: COuld you please resurrect Lazarus? Bring him back to life, dad! BUT NO- this is not what Jesus did: whe you go back to the account in the gospels, Jesus offers a prayer of Thanksgiving to the Heavenly Father. One nugget I was given is this:

Giving thanks gives life, giving Thanks means Resurrection from the DEAD!!

Then go with me to the account where Jesus feeds the multitudes. What did Jesus pray when he finally got the few loaves of bread and the fish? Did he plead with God: Please make this more than what it is???? NO - FAR FROM THAT- Jesus simply thanked his (our) Heavenly Father for the bread, broke it and that was it. The other nugget I was given is this:

Giving thanks will multiply God's provision and blessing in our lives!!

I am overwhelmed by the beauty and simplicity of such truth! And I am thankful, thankful of what God is doing..thankful of HIS provision and thankful that HE is in control! May you all enter with a sound mind and a purpose-driven heart into the new year of 2009! Kerstin

PottersHANDS

In the Potter’s hands I am glad I know the Potter. I am glad I know my God....but then I wake ap and my longing increases to get to know HIM even more. Then I realize I hardly know HIM. I am in the Potter’s hands. Think with me: as the Israelites passed through the Red Sea, they must have been amazed and in total AWE. Yet, shortly after that, they find themselves grumbling and being impatient for the promise of God had given them was not as close at hand as they tought. They found themselves at Marah, the place with the bitter waters NOT KNOWING that in God’s bigger picture they would reach ELIM, a place with fresh springs of water and Palm trees. They did not see it coming. I I can see this being displayed in my life right now. I try to trust God and believe my Potter for the desire of my heart that seems to grow stronger and stronger. Yet I am faced with my own grumbling, disbelief and my doubts andmy struggles. I hear myself complain to the Potter – listen to THIS: The clay is complaining t o the Potter Himself!!!! I realize that God sees the bigger picture and that He is actually leading me to the bountiful springs of Elim, to provision and at the end to the Promised Land. This is a time of character building o….yet again. I love my Potter, I love Him soooo much and as I come as Kerstin to Him, my wish is to be moldable clay, my wish is to bear good fruit, to be patient and wait for my ELim. I am in the Potter’s hands!!

@Jenny

Here I am , finally posting a view pictures I hope. I have been with Granny Jenny for all this week now. Unfortunetely but expectedly, I have entered culture shock now. My emoitons go rampart on me and the levels of me feeling things are as deep as teh ocean and as high as tablemountain. I know it though and that makes all the difference. Here are some pictures of how I am living right now and also more. On monday I went to a fabrique shop with the lady I stay with. I saw a worker there, I started praying when I saw her and thought that maybe God had something there. So I said: Lord, talk to me if you want to. He did and I found out that that worker came from the Congo speaking French. So I delivered th word God had for her and we started sahring God's love in the middle of that fabrique shop.! WOW! 2 days ago and I went to the beach to talk to God and praise HIM when I asked a man to take a picture of me. It turns ou that that was a divine appointment and we could pray ont he beach. Every day I come to realize how much God is not only with me but working through me!! this is incredible but I trust my God although I am going through some lonely and hard spots right now. God is good and HE is sovereign. TO HIM BE ALL THE GLORY!!

BeaconOfHOPEandOtherThoughts

Nelson Mandela called Tablemountain a Beacon Of Hope. That is what it was to him and so many other prisoners who were held on Robben Island for so many years. Actually this mountain fascinates me. Wherever I go here, it is the mountain that I see. Then I look for the face of this man looking up into heaven and I smile. It is a Beacon Of Hope for me as well. Hope for God's way of things and for HIS timing. The verse God gave me last night while I was in a homegroup is the following: Proverbs 16:3 -Roll your works upon the Lord [commit and trust them wholly to Him; He will cause your thoughts to become agreeable to His will, and] so shall your plans be established and succeed (Amplified Bible). This is what I have been doing...all my expectations and fears and doubts and burdens and hunger and thirst..all this I am rolling upon my Lord. So many thoughts run through my mind when I am walking along the streets that don't have any pavement for walking people: Where do I need to walk ..on the left side? on the right side? I do have to look right first when I want to cross a road not like we do (we need to look left first then right). All is twisted. The driver sits on the right side in the car and the car drives on the let side of the road(aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaargggghh)..... I am getting to know thi area a bit better. I actually stay close to the beach called Dolphin beach. Blouubergstrand is further up in the west. God tells me to be patient and to wait upon HIM, ok, I say. Last night He really blessed me by being invited to my landladz Jane's homegroup. We worshipped prayed and fellowhsipped. Oh how I needed taht. So here we go Proverbs 16 verse 3: Roll your works upon the Lord [commit and trust them wholly to Him; He will cause your thoughts to become agreeable to His will, and] so shall your plans be established and succeed.

newDAY

So this was my 6th day, it is night now and the wind is blowing. I can tell I am close to the sea. This sea air makes me tired a lot actually. I am thankful to be here and now I am embracing something new as well: loneliness. It does not feel nice but I know that it is part of adjusting to this place and to my new way of living. I am closer to Jesus and I know I need HIM so much. I'd just love to be surrounded by friends now or even by one or two and share my heart. Instead I will go to my room, snuggle iwth my teddy bear and pray, share it all with my heavenly Father. That is good as well. I went to the beach today, I watched the waves break and smelled the sea. I let the sun carress my skin and let the wind play with my hair. I bless the LOrd for all this, Blessed is HIS name

JUST KERSTIN, BUT KERSTIN!

HI, my name is Kerstin Berthold. I love my name. It means: Belonging to CHRIST! My name is the program of my life! I am glad to be Kerstin and not anyone else! In the past 2 weeks, God has renewed my mind and soul and I feel He gave me new and fresh water to drink. I realize how much I felt overwhelmed with the idea of being a missioanry sent to a different nation. Now, not only my mind, but my heart udnerstands what it means to be called, sent and loved in all the processes. God called me, Kerstin, with all my good and all my bad traits, feelings, thoughts. I am glad that I am not a superwoman...just Kerstin. God has called me to bind up broken hearted, to point to HIM and talk about HIM, to be a living testimony of HIS love, hope and strength on this earth. I am ready! I am ready to be Kerstin, be renewed on an ongoing basis ........

My identity in CHRIST

This was the title of what I spoke about last wednesday and it was exactly that topic that God chose to reveal to me in a deeper way. I am humbled and thankful. I am so thankful that God has not only made me wiser but stronger in HIM over the past couple of days!! It all started with my teaching. I felt extremely unworthy to preach about that topic for I felt not like a princess or a child of Go dor an overcomer in CHrist at all. I fought with tons of stupid lies that seemed bigger than they actually are. The day after my teaching I actually fell into a depression and I was physically down as well. I knew that I believed lies instead of God's truth at that point, but I only knew it with my mind. God reminded me of what He had shown me about the fact that I should just come to him with what I have and with HIS touch only it would turn into something. A night later I went to a seminar and was prayed over and that was when I realized somethign extremely important: I had tried to find my identity in my role as a long term missionary instead of in Jesus. I had tried to figure out to do everything right, to read a lot to learn a lot and to do all that is required of a missionary like me. I stopped seeing myself in CHrist first. As I said in my last blog entry, I am not a superwoman! I have never been a missionary and I have never done what I will soon be doing. I simply have no clue and only with the touch of Jesus something can happen here...only with HIS touch. Funny how God let me teach about it to start the process of introspection and now I see, now I understand and I am glad that He has shown me ....here and now. Here, Jesus, this is all I have, I give you Kerstin, ALL OF HER, and with your touch we will touch the world to do the impossible!!! Kerstin, a child of God, HIS masterpiece

God's encouragement! Thank you dear LORD

Tonight I was at a Youth group and we had worship. I helped out. After the 3rd song, my heart ached more and more for God to touch me and fill me. I have been feeling so unworthy and filthy, so bad during the past days. I felt unworhty of my calling and could not udnerstand why God had chosen me. After that 3rd song God gave me a picture:

I could see with my inner eye that God poured out clear fresh water into my open hands. He said: "Wash yousrelf!" I washed my face and felt the refreshment. At the same time I could see God's approval of me in whatever circumstance.

THANK YOU DEAR LORD!! THANK YOU THAT YOU ALONE CAN MAKE ME WORTHY!!!!

learning HIS ways.....

Learning HIS ways is not easy but it is rewarding in the end. Learning HIS ways is challenging to the highest degree. Learning HIS ways is a priviledge for the children of God. Learning HIS ways is painful but it seems that I only learn through a certain amount of pain. My head is turning from right to left for I do not understand this. I do not want to go through pain. Yet, I seem to choose so every once in a while. Learning HIS ways is a journey, a process and I am yet to learn how to receive this simple truth...to accept it and to walk with it!! The other day I went swimming. I love swimming but have not swum for over 3 years. This week I went to swim and dive and do some sport. Everything I do has a certain spiritual meaning to me and a lot of times God talks to me while I am doing this or that. Well, swimming has a special spiritual meaning for me: It is cleansing, refreshing and calming in a way. The most calming thing is when I dive and am under water for a while..........then........I look around.....I do not hear anything ....but I see the light that breaks itself and penetrates the water....all is silent......all is like in slow motion. It is there and then my soul finds rest from the business of the day and it is there that I feel I can take on the next thing God wants to teach me...it is there that I can sense HIS hope in me. It is weird that Paul is right when He says that God's strength is made perfect in our weakness.......it is so weird for I want to be strong and yet I observe Jesus how HE uses me in my complete and sheer weakness, in my deepest moments. I am glad that my JEsus loves me and knows me and I give HIM my heart.

JESUS, humbled I come to you and say: HERE I AM USE ME, use me as I am, frail and a sinner. USE me to glorify you Lord Jesus! Amen

A hole in a leaf

I have seen this so many times now and I want to share with you what God showed me a few years ago. I was reminded of that very fact several times in the past few fall days ... I am talking about special leaves...I love leaves and anyone who knows my testimony and how I became a Christian knows that even more:) These special leaves have holes...they are not like normal leaves, they seem to be done with life so to speak. Well, one day a few years ago...3 years ago to be exact, I was on a walk with Jesus. I felt really down and empty and I told Jesus all I my feelings. As I was walking along a beautiful path in the forest, I saw such a leaf. I tought: oh that leaf is not good anymore. BUT then I looked closer and saw a tiny spider web inside: all of a sudden God spoke to me:

Look, Kerstin, this leaf seems to be done with life and without a purpose but I gave it a new purpose. This whole is there to give this spider some space to create a beautiful webt. YOu have a purpose although you feel down and empty, ...but I gave you a purpose just as I gave this leaf a purpose.

WOW!!! So now ..... within the past few days, I saw those kind of leaves again...leaves with a hole inside and I was reminded of that spiderweb. God has a plan , God has a purpose and I needed this reminder in this season of my life so much......thank YOU dear heavenly Father!! YOu are the best!!!

A change, a relief and a challenge!

So here I am and I have news...big news..news that totally confirmed my sense but news that I still need to process as well. I am going to stay for 2 more months in Germany. I will fly out in the second week of january to go to the country and city God has calle dme to : South Afrcia / Cape Town. I had been sensing such a peace over the fact that God will do what He needs to do and if it took longer for me to go to Aouth Africa then God is Soveriena dn He has plans I do not know of. Well last night I talked with the pastor from Cape Town and throughout our conversation it got clearere and clearer that we would not be able to get all the documents for the 4th of November which is in one month and 2 days. The month of december is a low month there..epopel are on vacation..it is like our month of july. Hence, there is not a lotof activity in the church. This means taht I could use that time better to stay here and raise support and maybe work if that is the case. We talked about where I could stay and about how things are going. I felt such a peace about the whole january idea that we both decided to stay with that plan. I have time to organize my support better, to werite letters and speak and be with my family over Christmas. I also sense that the latter is a very important thing in my recent relationhip with them. All in all this is the best and I trust God because He has the perfect timing! I do not want to rush, I want to trust HIM and risk to live a life worth living!!!!! Emotionally, I am processing this big change right now. I woke up last night and was awake for an hour trying to grasp the whole thing. Good that Jesus has all in HIS hands. I need that. I feel like that little lamb very close to Jesus' heart. Glory be to God in the Highest

A "Lybelle" on the right foundation

LOOK AT THE TITLE OF THIS NEW POST OF MINE. 'LYBELLE' IS THE GERMAN WORD FOR DRAGONFLY AND I LOVE THIS WORD. I GOT THE WORD A FEW MONTHS AGO TAHT GOD SEE ME AS A LYBELLE. I AM SHINING AND GOD'S GRACE AND LOVE IS REFLECTED THROUGH MY WINGS. IN ONE OF THE GROUPS THAT I WAS A TEACHER IN TRAINING IN THE STATES, MY GROUP GAVE ME THIS 'LYBELLE' AS A GIFT BEFORE I LEFT. I KNOW THAT GOD IS SPEAKING TO ME THROUGHT HIS PICTURE. LAST WEEK I SPOKE TO A SMALL GROUP OF YOUNG LADIES AND I BROUGTH MY 'LYBELL' WITH ME TO DEMOSNTRATE SOMETHING. IN THE MIDDLE OF THE TEACHING I ASKED IF I COULD BORROW A LADY'S BIBLE (THANK YOU BETTINA) AND PUT THE 'LYBELLE' DIRECTLY ON TOP OF THE BIBLE. WHAT DOES THIS SAY? TO ME IT SAYS THAT I NEED THE FOUNDATION OF HIS WORD, THE FOUNDATION OF THE TRUTH. I AM SUCH A 'LYBELLE' IN THE LORD'S SIGHT AND I NEED TO POSTION MYSELF ON HIS WORD. Today was an itnersting and frustrating day. I was able to sell more things on ebay and had to organize the selling part and packing part of things. After that I had a really good meeting with a woman in need of healing and restoration. We had a good talk and I sensed that that was again one the divine appointmetns God had sent me to go to and I was glad that I listened. As I came back I called to South Africa. I was totally sure that the time difference from Frankfurt to Cape Town was one hour. As I called, I learned that that was not true. It is the same time. I was frustrated becasue it has been several times like this that I was not able to get through tp SOuth Africa. I let it go and know God is sovereign. oh my oh my... MY LIFE IS IN YOU LORD MY STRENGTH IS INN YOU LORD MY ALL IS IN YOU TAKE OVER LORD TAKE OVER I DO NOT WANT TO DRIVE MY CAR ANYMORE LEAD ME, TAKE CONTROL WHERE I TRIED TO TAKE IT GO AHEAD JESUS AND USE ME, LEAD ME, FILL ME, AND HEAL ME!!!!!!!!

Moldable clay, that is what I want to be

Moldable like clay in the POTTER's hands......... I am being molded and changed into something new....a few moments ago the Potter was doing something with his right finger on me, making a line, a curve, then He took the whole of me and started something new. The clay , which is me, is being bent, being shaped into something new. It hurts, the pain goes deep, it is hard to let go and hard to see now what the POTTER already knows and sees for HE knows His plan and the big picture. Tje only thing that remains for the clay is to trust in HIS/Her creator, to trust that this creator knows HIS job and sees already the finished product: a beautiful vase with a butterfly on it.

Thank you dear God, in your arms I commit my soul and my "clay", mold me, shape me as you like it for YOUR will be done! YOur bride Kerstin, the moldable clay

Communication- what is that?

Communication is such an awesome word. We can fight misunderstanding with this word and this word enables us to have a good relationship. Communication is not one-sided. However, I seem to understand it that way ...unconciously.... I talk with myself and don't ask the person that is affected. Then I assume, I make an ASS out of U and ME and then no communication is needed. I have to learn so much in communication. Every time I fail, I think how hard it is to unwinde all those unconcious actions...so that I can finally ask the day the questions pop up in my head and not days later. Right now I am frustrated but hopeful because I can do all things throuh HIm who gives me strength : JESUS. With HIm I will be able to communicate better, only expect the right things. How interseting it is that we act and react, that we are triggered and wounded and how much do we act out of our woundedness. How much do I put people in a box out of my woundedness and how much do I miscommunicate out of my woundedness.

Lord, forgive me and teach me your way, the way of good communication, the way of good questions, the way of good understanding. I need you Lord and knowing that you exist gives me hope in this frustration. JESUS, REIGN IN ME!

BAPTISM

Last night I was asked to speak at this month's baptism at East Hill Church. It was wonderful and I am so glad that I could bring glory to our God. I was empty and so worn down from worry and pressure from these weeks' events. Yet, here is God, giving me the confidence to speak. That alone is blowing me away and humbles me deep down within!!!!!! It was special to see a whole family get baptized and a young guy I had seen in the Youth group for a long time. As one of the particiapants put it. It let me think of MY baptism and helped me to rejoice once again about what Jesus had done on the cross: ONCE AND FOR ALL! To you be the Glory my God, to you who brought me to life everlasting, to you who gives me strength to live every day to you who waits patiently for me to spend time with you to you who lovesme unconditionly Thank you! I LOVE YOU! The picture shows me 5 years ago when I got Bapstized in Frankfurt, Germany!

Tigger girl -who is that?

Tigger is a fun guy. I guess you met him sometime in your life. I love Tigger a lot. I called myself Tigger girl years ago. I have really enjoyed Disney characters since I was 16 years old. I even dreamed of becoming a Disney animator for a while. My favourite character is tigger. Yes, there are tons of other fun little characters like the narrator from Aladdin (Salam and good evening to you my dear friends...) or Tarzan's mom Kala who does such a great job loving and lettin go, or like Buzz Lightyear (To infinity and beyond!!) or like Pete's Dragon...... However, Tigger has always topped them all for me. Why, you might ask? Well, Tigger is funny, unlike the gloomy and depressing negative Eeyore, or the panicy Piglet or the annoying Rabbit. Tigger is funny and bouncy. But today I got hit by God's mighty Spirit in the most tender way possible: Tigger is also very selfish. He does not think of others first. He is very self-centered and bounces over people's feelings before he thinks about it. I have done that in my life and I see some tigger-influence in my life. Whenever I worry too much, or whenever I am deep down in the mud trying to figure out how God is healing me, or whenever my inner child needs some attention...then the negative side of tigger comes out and I get very self-centered and I know I hurt people. Yes I know Tigger has his good sides and I glean from them , too.

So today I got reminded of a converstation I had in Lausanne..7 years ago in a very cute little cafe where you can get the best hot chocolate in the world: My friend and I were talking about Winnie the Pooh and Tigger and all their friends from the Hundred Acre Wood and how they represent people in real life and Christians. See, there are these people who need the rules and cannot relax at all. I call these people RABBITs. Then there are people who are scared all the time and who have a hard time go through life without shivering. I call them PIGLETS. Then there are these people who see everything in a negative light and who are depressed and say :POOR ME all the time. These ones are EEYOREs. Then there are POOHs who see the good in everyone, who trust easily and who are a little bit naive as well. Then there are TIGGERs who want to have fun fun fun all the time, who are pretty independant and who always bounce over Rabbit's carrots :)

Can you see us Christians in those characters? Dear Lord thank you for reminding me that I am not the only one on this planet. Help me to be sensitive and other-centered dear God and help me to have trust and faith just like a Pooh Bear. Your tigger girl Kerstin

My full Testimony

So let me begin: I guess it was in September 1999, when I came to Lausanne (French Part of Switzerland at the lake Geneva). I came there to study English and French. I had been with my fiancé for over 4 years then and was afraid to leave for an amount of time. We had a nice time and right before we had been in the States. When I came to Lausanne I still missed USA and the language a lot. In my first month there, I became depressed. A lot of new things were going on, new impressions, new culture etc. Then there was a invitation of a welcoming evening dinner with all the other international students from the exchange program Erasmus. I went there to meet people. I met Christine. She was American, so I loved being around her, it made me remember my visit in the States. I thought she was a student just like all of us, actually she came there to find international students for her international bible study ;) I talked with her and found out hat she was sad. I asked her and she told me about it. It was hard to understand how this decision could be a good one because she was so sad. That was not logical for me= I asked why she did not change her decision. She said GOD had told her right in her heart not to . I was shocked- how can a GOD talk to people, this girl is crazy, I thought. I thought that was just not right and that girl must be crazy or something (sorry, Christine, isn't aht funny?). I did not say anything like that to her. I must have had such an expression on my face, for she quickly changed subjects. We talked about Disney and how I want to become a Disney animator (good move Christine, that was smooth!). We still exchanged email addresses, I thought we could write each other and I can keep a contact in ENGLISH (very selfish) But when I went home that night, I was sooooo disturbed and confused and angry and just crazy. I called my mom, asking: Can you believe this crazy thing? God talking to this person...she must be out of her mind. I talked this over with other friends, totally irritated (God uses people in wonderful ways!!!!) But after some days, I forgot it again (weird!) But now as she had my email, she sent an invitation for her bible study with nice publicity every week (Christine, you really have a gift there- these emails were really cool and gripping!!!). I always read them, then deleted them with the mind like: who cares???? Then there was a Christmas party in Christine's apartment, she sent an invitation via email as well, and I decided to go, because I knew it was not only these strange Christian meetings. I went there, and when I entered her apartment, I could feel a real peace, a calm atmosphere, something sooo wonderful. I liked it, I looked around in her apartment and had a good evening with Americans and others. No Christian talk!! When I came home for Christmas, I kind of missed this atmosphere and the new friends I hade made on that dinner evening. It was Christmas, a family event and for the first time, my uncle’s suicide (that had happened 5 years prior) came up in my mind and started to make me really sad and moody. I could not cope with it and how my family had split up afterwards. When I came to Lausanne in January, I really felt exhausted and alone, alone with this heavy load. One night, when I really felt like crying, I went out with my Walkman, I had instrumental music on. I like instrumental strong music; it makes me really in the mood to cry when I need to. I walked along the way and asked myself (back then I thought I asked myself-actually I asked GOD) How can I cope with this suicide, how can I have peace again, then I began to cry, listening to the music, it was very loud music. Suddenly, I could FEEL and hear a soft whisper...like from the wind…actually there was NO wind) on my left ear, I turned my head, puzzled what that was. Then I saw a leaf floating to my left foot. I could not go on walking, I had to stop and pick up the leaf. And, I tell you, as I took it in my left hand, I could smile for the very first time in about some days. I had the strong impression that someone just hugged me, and a thought came to my mind: IT IS ALLRIGHT I WILL TAKE OVER NOW: IT IS ALRIGHT DO NOT FEAR: so I was amazed, did not know what to Think first. I started thinking, IS THIS GOD???? Then I remembered an email from that very morning from Christine talking about another bible study on the following day. Well I decided to go there. I thought: I cannot loose anything, I feel so bad and helpless, why not check that out. I was somehow encouraged by the leaf and kept it (I still have it!!). I told Christine that I wanted to come to her bible study, she was very puzzled, said, yes, all right, but called me 3 times afterwards to ask and ask again, if that was true. Yeah , sure, I said. So I went there. I was soo amazed on how they studied the bible (the blind Beggar in Luke) and I was touched by it (I study literature and love to interpret and do text work) they did it like I love working with texts. Then Christine asked to pray and if there were some requests. I knew I HAD one, but I felt nervous (should I tell them my private problem, they do not know me here???) well I did because I felt a strong pressure to tell it: so I said; can we please pray for my family, my once committed suicide and we all suffer a lot especially my grandma, my aunt and cousin. Then we sat there to pray, I was nervous, full of fear and trembled, my hands were wet and cold, when I fold them to pray. As soon as Christine said my prayer request to the LORD in prayer, my hands began to glow; they became warm and wonderfully dry and calm. I could feel energy within them and did not want to unfold them for 30 minutes after the prayer, right then GOD gave me a real peace in my heart, a peace I had been waiting for all my life. I just said out in my heart: God, now I know that it is YOU, it were YOU yesterday with the leaf as well, I will never let you go! I felt enlightened and refreshed on that evening and told this to Christine, she wanted to see me 3 days later. I told the Lord that night: Lord I am a blind beggar, please make me see and help me. This was my first prayer- then one week later I became a Christian. Within this week, I struggled severely with the fact to take Jesus as my center of life and not my fiancé Marco. After I wanted to have Jesus in my center, Christine prayed with me and then I felt sooo excited. I will never forget this one thing: I was not completey ready to have Jesus as my center. My heart was but I still had my fiance heavily in the center of my heart. Although Christine saw that she trusted God enough that evening in her kitchen to ask me to pray with her. (Christine, this one is for you: I am so thankful for the discernment Jesus gave you that night!!!!! If you had told me not to pray that night for I was not ready, I would have turned and totally walked away with a bitterness and a WHATEVER attitude toward Jesus! Your acceptance, meaning Jesus' acceotance through your actions were crucial! thanks for your obediance!) Now to complete the story from Christine's point of view ( at least from what I know so far): She did not know me well; we just had seen each other on that dinner eve and on that Christmas dinner in her house, surely she had met a lot of other people, but it is then strange to know that she spoke about me on the day of Christmas when she was home in California, She told her dad (who is a pastor) that this tigger girl Kerstin she had met, would never come to Christ, She was sure for that. When she came home, she saw an email from me that I missed her and friends in Lausanne. She began to wonder, and then I called her 3 days later telling her I come to her bible study, she even became afraid, asking back if I would really come. She could not understand the world any longer (I now udnerstand more and more how eird it must have been!!). Then when I shared a prayer request on my first eve, she was puzzled even more and one week later, when I gave my life to JESUS, she fell on her knees in her little room in the night being stunned with God's miracles and how He had performed a 180 u-turn in my heart that fast!!! For me it did not feel like it, but I was in the movement, not knowing how much I had been changed. But a lot of people told Christine and me that something was different. Perhaps I should say that my parents do not go to church. I was in different churches in different times of my life, once to have confirmation, but back then I only wanted money, nothing else. Within the last years I kind of felt things whenever I visited a church in a town. I felt peace, started to pray to GOD and stuff, but as soon as I stepped out of the church, I forgot everything hugged myself and said, wow, good Kerstin, you went into a church (full of pride hugh? ) well, but it shows that Jesus had knocked onto my door a lot earlier.. ;) I will leave you now with joy, thank you that you wanted to know my testimony. It always helps me to say and tell it again, to remember God's miracle in my life.

WOW- God moves my parents!!!!

Guess what! My parents were absolutely prepared for me telling them about my move to Cape Town! Their reaction blew me away this morning. Specifically because I had a weird way of sending my email to them yesterday: I was about to create the right words and thinking thru things, when I accidently hit the SEND button instead of the SAVE button. Oh my...... I quickly finished the content of my email by sending a follow up (part 2). It was perfect and I am glad for them to know.

WOW!! Lord I am so thankful to you - I know this is your work in their hearts! I praise you for it!!! your princess K