These mornings, I have problems to concentrate, I feel weak and have weird stomach problems again. It reminds me of the summer of 2009 when I was in the States and Germany. I was knocked out by that pain and my German doctor suspected
helicobacter pylori. She sent me to swallow the scope which I was not able to do. Hence, I never found out (grrr). I just want this thing that causes such discomfort to leave.
Apart from all that, I find myself in a spiral of fear. That shows me that I don't really trust my God.
I am reading Psalm 84 and Psalm 139 this morning.
Psalm 84:1-2
1 How lovely is your dwelling place,
O Lord of Heaven’s Armies.
2 I long, yes, I faint with longing
to enter the courts of the Lord.
With my whole being, body and soul,
I will shout joyfully to the living God.
My longing is big and just like the Psalmist says: whole being, body and soul. Yet, it is hard for me to concentrate which makes my quiet times sort of "quiet" and short. I know that He is my refuge, my light and protector as it says further in verse 11. Still I find it hard to trust God and give Him all my fears.
One fear adds up to the next and then I read verse 12 and I stop:
12 O Lord of Heaven’s Armies,
what joy for those who trust in you.
"Yes, I want to be happy and trust Lord, help me to trust, help me to trust today, I put my worries into your hands, please show me your favor and grant me your peace, Lord!"
The verses 6-7 always encourage and comfort me. Yes, this is my God, the one who transforms the valley of weeping into refreshing springs where pools of blessing await me!
6 When they walk through the Valley of Weeping,[a]
it will become a place of refreshing springs.
The autumn rains will clothe it with blessings.
7 They will continue to grow stronger,
and each of them will appear before God in Jerusalem.[b]
I am thankful that my God chose me, that He knows me and that He even knows what is on my heart this very minute. Reading Psalm 139 strengthens my heart this morning again.
"Thank you my Lord and Maker that you know me, you know my every thought. You chart the path ahead of me and tell me where to stop and rest (verse 3), you place your hand of blessing on my head (verse 5), your hand will guide me and your strength will support me (10), thank you Lord, I love you. Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex! You live in me and I praise you with all I have today...with the tiny little bit of trust and faith I have. Thank you for your faithfulness!
Your sunshine K"
Not everyone knows this about me but I never made it a secret. I am learning more and more about it. Most of all, I learn how to live with it and yet contend for complete healing for I know that my God can do this. It is spoken of more and more in the last 20 years. It came to the surface in my life when I was 17 years old. It totally surprised me. I am talking about a light bi-polar disorder: episodes of depressions followed by manic episodes. I am amazed when I look at my life right now. I am amazed to see where I am. I never dared to dream to be able to live in a foreign country. But then God surprised me: He made a way for me to study a few months in Lausanne (Switzerland). I gave my life to Jesus there and started to develop a whole new view on life. He opened a door for me 
to go and pursue an internship and training in the States and He led me to South Africa where I am living right now. I never lacked any good thing, I always had my medication and I have always had awesome people alongside me who helped and help me to process situations, who help me in a practical way. I call this post : Miracles because suffering form this condition it is a miracle to do what I do and to have done what I did.
I was ok in Germany. I had a great doctor who had known me for years and who had found the right dose of medication for me. When I left for the countries abroad, I put all my trust in God, asking HIM to lead me to the right doctors. And guess what! HE did. I had an amazing doctor in the States who knew very much about bipolar and was great. He was a Christian and after my appointment He would always pray for me if I asked. And God did it again here in South Africa. I was so afraid that they might not have my special medication. But yes they have. The doctor HE guided me to is amazing and really great.
Let me tell you about a special Miracle: I started with St John’s Wart which did not really help me, then I went on to an anti-depressant..but for 2 or 3 years there was no real good reaction in me and the depressive and manic episodes for intense and really painful. Then my doctor asked me if I wanted to give Lithium a try. I was so desperate. I wanted quality of life back. I prayed that day and asked Jesus: “Lord, you are the beginning and the end of everything and I know you can use this medication for my healing. Please do, I am really tired of this….I need you Lord.” Then I took my fist dose of Lithium. I few hours later, I experienced something impossible and amazing. The dark clouds over my head started to vanish, hope filled the space instead. I called my doctor and thanked her and reported what was happening. She was surprised and said: That is impossible. The body only reacts to the medication after 2 weeks. I knew better. I praised my God. I knew HE showed me and HE heard my prayer. From there, we find the right dosage which balanced out a lot in my brain.
Being a Christian, I am aware how the spiritual side of things is important to see in this as well. God helps me to balance myself all the time. HIS peace does wonders.
Nonetheless, I am contending for complete healing. It is hard to feel myself or trust my judgment sometimes.
All in all, I am grateful. I am thankful to God for this walking miracle that I am in this very regard.
