MIRACLE

Not everyone knows this about me but I never made it a secret. I am learning more and more about it. Most of all, I learn how to live with it and yet contend for complete healing for I know that my God can do this. It is spoken of more and more in the last 20 years. It came to the surface in my life when I was 17 years old. It totally surprised me. I am talking about a light bi-polar disorder: episodes of depressions followed by manic episodes. I am amazed when I look at my life right now. I am amazed to see where I am. I never dared to dream to be able to live in a foreign country. But then God surprised me: He made a way for me to study a few months in Lausanne (Switzerland). I gave my life to Jesus there and started to develop a whole new view on life. He opened a door for me to go and pursue an internship and training in the States and He led me to South Africa where I am living right now. I never lacked any good thing, I always had my medication and I have always had awesome people alongside me who helped and help me to process situations, who help me in a practical way. I call this post : Miracles because suffering form this condition it is a miracle to do what I do and to have done what I did. I was ok in Germany. I had a great doctor who had known me for years and who had found the right dose of medication for me. When I left for the countries abroad, I put all my trust in God, asking HIM to lead me to the right doctors. And guess what! HE did. I had an amazing doctor in the States who knew very much about bipolar and was great. He was a Christian and after my appointment He would always pray for me if I asked. And God did it again here in South Africa. I was so afraid that they might not have my special medication. But yes they have. The doctor HE guided me to is amazing and really great. Let me tell you about a special Miracle: I started with St John’s Wart which did not really help me, then I went on to an anti-depressant..but for 2 or 3 years there was no real good reaction in me and the depressive and manic episodes for intense and really painful. Then my doctor asked me if I wanted to give Lithium a try. I was so desperate. I wanted quality of life back. I prayed that day and asked Jesus: “Lord, you are the beginning and the end of everything and I know you can use this medication for my healing. Please do, I am really tired of this….I need you Lord.” Then I took my fist dose of Lithium. I few hours later, I experienced something impossible and amazing. The dark clouds over my head started to vanish, hope filled the space instead. I called my doctor and thanked her and reported what was happening. She was surprised and said: That is impossible. The body only reacts to the medication after 2 weeks. I knew better. I praised my God. I knew HE showed me and HE heard my prayer. From there, we find the right dosage which balanced out a lot in my brain. Being a Christian, I am aware how the spiritual side of things is important to see in this as well. God helps me to balance myself all the time. HIS peace does wonders. Nonetheless, I am contending for complete healing. It is hard to feel myself or trust my judgment sometimes. All in all, I am grateful. I am thankful to God for this walking miracle that I am in this very regard.

“Thank you Almighty God! Thank you for being a faithful God and I know that you work all things for good for me because I love you with all my heart. You hear my cries, you see my tears and you catch those tears. I cast my cares into your arms and I trust you, PAPPA!”

Light - thoughts on a dim winter afternoon

Light, shining in a warm tender sort of way to light up my soul, so engulf my heart into a warm embrace It is not like every light It is not too bright and harsh It is not dangerously hot so as if someone could burn himself NO This light is war and tender its colors are orange, terra cotta red, cream yellow and some shades of brown and other shades of red This light is welcoming and warming up the soul This light brings hope and life This light is what I am warming myself on this rather dim winter afternoon. I am looking up to that light I am looking up siiiigh

Fathers Day

In Germany, Father's Day is always on Ascension Day(Christi Himmelfahrt). So, it is already over. But Fathers Day is coming this Sunday here in South Africa and I think also in the States. Last night as I watched one of my fav. series: CSI, I looked closer as the adverts were running: Buy your dad this for Fathers day, give him a gift card, buy him that..... I had to shake my head slowly. Fathers Day is something different for me, something other than buying something expensive for my dad. First of all, my dad is not close by, so that would be the first thing I think about. Here is what I think Fathers Day is all about. If you still have a dad or someone that fulfilled the role of a dad in your life or a spiritual dad, then invest in that relationship. It is all about relationship. Write him a letter and tell him how he has blessed you or what you like about him. Words do more than a hundred gift cards or chocolates. Here is what I think about when it comes to my dad: My dad is a very courageous man. He had to go through a lot in life and he is standing tall now. My dad taught me how to dance when I was 10. He would make me feel safe all the time. He believes in me and has shown me real love. One thing that I love these days about my dad is how he sends me letters with love for such detail packed with newspaper articles and sweets. I know he cares deeply and I am thankful for that.

I am with you

I am listening to a song by Gateway: FAITHFUL GOD...that really comforts me. I am trusting in a Faithful God, a God that knows all my tears. Every enemy is subject to my Faithful God. To give some perspective to where I am at.....here is a description. It is confirmed and followed up by a painting. A few months ago, I recognized old and unhealthy thought patterns in my life. It reminded me of times I had found myself in depression. I recognized those thoughts. They were without hope but full of despair and without perspective. I cried out to God in inner pain. I went to God's promises in the Bible and tot eh promises HE had given me personally. I know my mind, my sould and body needed to be aligned to HIS order. In that time of agony, God spoke to me; He said:

"Kerstin, please don't be afraid, don't despair, I am here , I am here, I am taking your hand even now!"

One Sunday morning in church, a woman had a picture and as she was telling us what she had seen, I could actually see every single bit of it. It was me walking in a dark valley, there was still a long road ahead of me and I was weary and weak. Then Jesus came from the left into the picture talking to me, He took my hand and I saw us walking hand in hand. Jesus said:"

Don't be afraid of the dark valley, I am here with you and I am the one who is going to pull and guide you out of it.

" After that Sunday, I was inspired to paint the picture above. Here are some explanations to the picture: I painted dear sunrise behind the mountains.It symbolizes the HOPE to me that there will be sun soon in the valley. I wanted to paint Jesus differently than so many artists over the years: my Jesus is buff (he worked as a Carpenter helping his dad Joseph for a long time), that's why I put Carpenter clothes and tools on him. I am now working on a sequel to this picture since I am moving out of this valley....

As surefooted as a deer!

I got to look at Psalm 18 a few days ago and some verses jumped at me. One is verse 33:

"He makes my feet as surefooted as a deer, leading me safely along the mountain heights" (NLT)

I wrote it on a piece of paper and stuck it in my car,so I could look at it when I had to wait for a green light. It really comforts me to know that HE made me so I can walk on those mountain heights. The mountain heights don't represent the HIGH times in my life but rather the difficult times...the times of struggle where I am afraid to slip. But then it says that HE is leading me SAFELY along those heights. That is amazing and really calming. I love the picture I found as I googled IBEX: An ibex is a kind of wild goat that lives in the mountains and has to come down for food and pasture every day: here we have two ibex in the alps looking down - in the background we see the vastness of the alps. Just like the little ibex has the bigger one to the left, I have Jesus. SO awesome....and not only for the hard times in life. In good times HE jumps around with me over the green pastures :) The picture at the bottom shows how surefooted these goats need to be to maneuver around. Stunning. I blogged on IBEX already on this blog. so

Fear versus Trust on a Wendesday morning

These mornings, I have problems to concentrate, I feel weak and have weird stomach problems again. It reminds me of the summer of 2009 when I was in the States and Germany. I was knocked out by that pain and my German doctor suspected helicobacter pylori. She sent me to swallow the scope which I was not able to do. Hence, I never found out (grrr). I just want this thing that causes such discomfort to leave. Apart from all that, I find myself in a spiral of fear. That shows me that I don't really trust my God. I am reading Psalm 84 and Psalm 139 this morning. Psalm 84:1-2

1 How lovely is your dwelling place, O Lord of Heaven’s Armies. 2 I long, yes, I faint with longing to enter the courts of the Lord. With my whole being, body and soul, I will shout joyfully to the living God.

My longing is big and just like the Psalmist says: whole being, body and soul. Yet, it is hard for me to concentrate which makes my quiet times sort of "quiet" and short. I know that He is my refuge, my light and protector as it says further in verse 11. Still I find it hard to trust God and give Him all my fears. One fear adds up to the next and then I read verse 12 and I stop:

12 O Lord of Heaven’s Armies, what joy for those who trust in you.

"Yes, I want to be happy and trust Lord, help me to trust, help me to trust today, I put my worries into your hands, please show me your favor and grant me your peace, Lord!"

The verses 6-7 always encourage and comfort me. Yes, this is my God, the one who transforms the valley of weeping into refreshing springs where pools of blessing await me!

6 When they walk through the Valley of Weeping,[a] it will become a place of refreshing springs. The autumn rains will clothe it with blessings. 7 They will continue to grow stronger, and each of them will appear before God in Jerusalem.[b]

I am thankful that my God chose me, that He knows me and that He even knows what is on my heart this very minute. Reading Psalm 139 strengthens my heart this morning again.

"Thank you my Lord and Maker that you know me, you know my every thought. You chart the path ahead of me and tell me where to stop and rest (verse 3), you place your hand of blessing on my head (verse 5), your hand will guide me and your strength will support me (10), thank you Lord, I love you. Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex! You live in me and I praise you with all I have today...with the tiny little bit of trust and faith I have. Thank you for your faithfulness! Your sunshine K"

Provision

I have blogged on that before and I will say it again: God provides and HE promises me HIS provision...and then HE is soooo sweet to confirm this promise again and again. It is like the cherry on the cake. He knows me through and through. As I took my SNowflake (my car) to have a wheel alignment this morning, I turned around and found a 5 cent coin on the floor. This is the way God has been speaking to me about HIs faithfulness and His promise to me in the past year! So amazing. For those of you who read about this for the first time: here is a quick recap: Last year, I would find 5 cent coins on the floor, on the gravel, in the dirt...always shining and waiting for me to pick them up. An assurance would flood my soul, a knowledge that God is able, God is for me and God is going to provide....so I should not worry. God has humor and HE is awesome!

Pretty amazing to think about it

Last week, I went to join Pastor Xavier and Jason and Ryan on a day out. We drove to Hout Bay and to Simons Town. As we stopped for a cuppa coffee after some great Fish'n'Ships, it hit me. We stopped at a place that I had been to nearly 4 years prior to that day. 4 years ago, I went on a short missions trip with East Hill. Part of that trip was to establish if I should really go to South Africa as a Long Term Missionary from East Hill. I was in a pretty hard place that time. To be honest, I was afraid...very freaked and anxious about even thinking to do it. We had stopped at that place to have a cappuccino and Paul took this picture of me. Then, last Thursday it hit me. I set only one table away from the same spot that I had sat in 4 years ago...and this time, I thought, :"

I am a Long Term Missionary! I actually did it! I am not afraid anymore! I have been living here for 3 years and this has become my 3rd home!!!!!

" Wow, how amazing is this!!!!! Looking back I can see God's fingerprints...well, handprints...footprints..... I am amazed and I stand in awe

Servant Heart or The Upper Room Attitude

This has captured my heart for several months now and it is time to blog about it. The servant heart is precious and tender and very guarded and protected and yet authentic and open. I have been challenged by Matthew 7:12 "So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you, for this sums up the Law and the Prophets". A servant heart is to pour myself out and do to others what I would want them to do to me YET without an agenda, without wanting something in return. That is not easy to be honest, but it is sooo sooo rewarding.It all comes down to Jesus' statement to his disciples before the Last Supper: I will show you now THE FULL EXTENT of God's love! The love of God is one thing but THE FULL EXTENT of that love is even mroe, even deeper. Jesus is always about the deeper stuff if you have not realized that yet. Just look at the sermon on the mount and how Jesus tells us what Moses had said and how Jesus brings even more depth to it. So serving with the right attitude is the full extent of God's love. Serving means washing another person's feet, either literally or figuratively. It means to be ready to serve in and out of season. God has been stretching me in this area and HE has purged me. I get it wrong often enaough but then I also get it right and I grow in my attitude.

2011 Fruitfulness - Fast

This new year is all about Fruitfulness - that is what God told us here in Cape Town. In order to be fruitful, there needs to be pruning, too. We are in a 3 week Daniel Fast right now. Today is day 9. We pray for God to do a new work in us, in our church family and in the country of South Africa. It is amazing to fast and pray. I have come to love it! See, I was diagnosed to have a sensitivity to bipolar and I have been suffering form depression since I was 17. I am on good medication that balances me out in every way. However, I did not like to fast when I became a Christian. My medication requires me to drink a lot of water and I did not want to interfere with that medication. When I came to South Africa, I learned about the Daniel Fast. Now in my 3rd year, I do the fast and I am fine. God is really awesome. He helped me to grow in discipline in the last 2 years. I am so thankful. I am ready to be pruned because I want to be fruitful this year and int he years to come! Sunshine K

my friend Carol Tink

"Who wants to be my pen pal? Email me!"

These words were the beginning of a wonderful friendship. Back then I worked at the Disney Store in Frankfurt as a cast member aside from studying French and English. It was my dream job. I loved it. As I read that message from a cast member named Carol Scarpino in Massillon/Ohio, I decided to answer right away. Carol told me later that I had been the first to answer her. We started emailing and getting to know each other. Soon we emailed every other day. I really enjoyed getting to know her. She had such a caring open heart full of joy. I had my first online instant message experience with her. It was the aol messenger (grin). SO fun. We also called each other and sent each other care packages. This all started in 1999. I went overseas to study for 6 months and it was Carol who sent me a care package as I went on to my adventure. Her favorite Disney character was Tinkerbell and mine was Tigger: so she was Carol Tink and I was Tigger girl. One year later I became a Christian and as we chatted, she told me she was too. What joy, now we could even pray together! My highlight was in 2004 when Carol was able to come for a tour with her church choir to Europe. We met for precious few hours for the first time after 5 years of friendship. It was wonderful and I prayed with her in person. Since then I have not seen her again. We kept in contact via email and phone. 2 Years ago, my dear friend told me that they had found colon cancer in her and I have been praying. Sunday the 12th of December, she lost the battle with cancer and went home to Jesus. I am glad we emailed in the month of November. My heart is soar but also really happy for her - no more sorrow, no more pain...she flies on eagles' wings now. FLy Carol Tink, fly......

Another way of supporting me - I sell my art

Dear friends, I found a way of "tent making". This link brings you to my profile on a website that features artists and their work. You can buy my art through PayPal and bless friends with cards or prints etc. In this way, you would support me in the mission God has set me to here in Table View, South Africa!!!! I am excited. I am busy setting up the page and sharing lots of pieces of art work from my recent and early years. You can purchase gift cards with my art on, or canvases etc. Have a look at the site and tell your friends about it.