Struggle in me

Spring and a part of summer is here and I really really like it. It is the time to have walks on the beach. I had one of Sunday late afternoon and I loved it so much. The place where I can instantly enter into worship  to the Creator God. I can instantly enter into a one on one time with Jesus. I am privileged to live in a place of uttermost beauty.

All that said, I do struggle quite a bit this time around...this season. I know how to get out of it. So it is not a struggle where I don't udnerstand God or HIS work in me. I do know.

I have not been able to have times with Jesus while reading in HIS word for a while. No regurlarity anymore and I can feel the difference in my life. I know how to get out of it and believe me, I don't write this to give myself a "religious punch". It is out of the yearning of my heart that I want to read more in God's word, not because I have to, not because it looks better if I did, not out of any of that.

Interesting enough...every time when I have had an extensive time in HIS word, HE refreshed me and HE let my soul exhale and rejoice.
I am in need of self-discipline to make it a regular time again to read in HIS word...to read continuously in HIS word.

SO this is the struggle I have. It is with myself, with my inner self.
 I battle the Kerstin that wants to sleep those 40 min longer in the morning instead of getting up.
 I battle the Kerstin, that is quiet happy to zap around the 4 different tv programs she has instead of spending time with Jesus.
I battle with the Kerstin that senses God's calling her and then forgets it a moment later.
I battle but I know that HE knows
I battle but HE is doing something in my heart.

I love HIS word
It is indeed alive and am on my way back to a regular time in this vibrant word!!!!

Falk, my Godson :)

I love my Godchild, my Godson's name is Falk and he will be 7 this year in December. I had lots of fun when I went to Germany recently. We played: I spy with my little eye and boy, Falk was pretty good hey :)
I love and miss this lill guy!

WOW

Every day I drive past this beauty of nature. Actually I cannot wait to have this bush in full blossoms again every year. Not is the time and I am driving past it so much. When I see it, my heart beats a bit faster and my soul just seems to open up and then a smile comes on my face. This picture does not do it justice.

The color (a mix of fuchsia and magenta) is so vibrant!!!!!!

Pachelbel - His canon and thoughts

Last week, Jesus put a very important, beautiful, refreshing and calming yet exciting piece of music on my heart. It is the canon in D by Pachelbel. The composer Johann Pachelbel was a German Baroque composer and this piece is his most favorite one. The Caonon, first published in 1919 and then rediscovered later is frequently played at weddings. I love this piece of music....always have but last week it started to fill my heart in a new way. I ofund myself humming the music again and again. Here is a link to youtube to listen to it yourself. A canon is a great composition of music. It has a leader (the main melody) and 1 or more followers ( these are the same ore close melodies that start after the leader and follow it). It sounds beautiful. Why would it be played at weeding? I find one simple answer: two melodies of one kind , one flowing the other, both in the same tact/beat and stroke. That is how I see a married couple. Now let me backtrack a few weeks when I was still in the States. Friends of mine have this wooden figure of a dancing couple

Whenver I looked at it, my heart would sigh. I love the way she nestles her head on his right chest and he takes up her left hand and puts it on the other checst. There is sweet intimacy displayed. I had to take the apicture of this. And when I look it now, I can here the canon being played in my head....no in my heart. I want to dance like this, not only with my king of kings Jesus, b with the man of God that HE has for me and I am waiting.

Bits and pieces

I finally remembered my password to be able to update my blog. For days I have been driving around with lots of ideas of what I can blog about next. Now as I am sitting here I forgot most of them. I have been back to the missionfield, back to South Africa for nearly 2 weeks now. My trip to the States and Gmernay has been a great one. I was so glad to see some friends and supporters and I really relaxed a lot. Likeweise, I met new people and enjoyed that as well. The hifhlight for me was to be with my parents for 7 days. My mom took time off at work and we had the whole 7 days to ourselves. And yes, surely that was not enough but I was so happy for that time. Needless to say that I miss them now more than before. Life being back is interesting. We are moving from spring to summer quickly, the wind is strong and I am really tired. I can sleep a lot. I have arrived somehow but am still arriving in ministry. Let me tell you of a wonderful thing that happened yesterday: I was asked to preach at an old age home. It is the one I used to go to every month with Pastor Xavier 2 years ago. It felt like coming home. Those dear people welcomed me with a traditional hug from every one :) I had felt thes tirring of the hOly Spirit to preach on weeds. Yes WEEDS. So I did. Jesus is the garnedner of the gardens of our heart. With HIM we can pull out every weed from the root. Jesus touched the people and it was great to be witness of HIS doing so. I guess it is part of being ready IN AND OUT of seasaon. I will again more about other things that fill my heart, otehr things that I observe here and otehr things that make me smile/laugh/or cry.

My trip to Colorado-Oregon and to my parents

Ok so there we go: I board a plane in Cape Town on the 1st of September to fly via London to Grand Junction/Colorado. I stay there for 4 days and fly to Portland/Oregon on the 6th of September. I stay there until I fly to my parents the 26th of September. I am blessed and thankful to be able stay 7 day with my parents and then I fly back to Cape Town on the 4th of October.

4 days Grand Junction 19 days Portland 7 days with my parents

I will have specific things to do in order to speak to my supporters. I won't be seeing a lot of people individually but rather have get togethers.

MIRACLE

Not everyone knows this about me but I never made it a secret. I am learning more and more about it. Most of all, I learn how to live with it and yet contend for complete healing for I know that my God can do this. It is spoken of more and more in the last 20 years. It came to the surface in my life when I was 17 years old. It totally surprised me. I am talking about a light bi-polar disorder: episodes of depressions followed by manic episodes. I am amazed when I look at my life right now. I am amazed to see where I am. I never dared to dream to be able to live in a foreign country. But then God surprised me: He made a way for me to study a few months in Lausanne (Switzerland). I gave my life to Jesus there and started to develop a whole new view on life. He opened a door for me to go and pursue an internship and training in the States and He led me to South Africa where I am living right now. I never lacked any good thing, I always had my medication and I have always had awesome people alongside me who helped and help me to process situations, who help me in a practical way. I call this post : Miracles because suffering form this condition it is a miracle to do what I do and to have done what I did. I was ok in Germany. I had a great doctor who had known me for years and who had found the right dose of medication for me. When I left for the countries abroad, I put all my trust in God, asking HIM to lead me to the right doctors. And guess what! HE did. I had an amazing doctor in the States who knew very much about bipolar and was great. He was a Christian and after my appointment He would always pray for me if I asked. And God did it again here in South Africa. I was so afraid that they might not have my special medication. But yes they have. The doctor HE guided me to is amazing and really great. Let me tell you about a special Miracle: I started with St John’s Wart which did not really help me, then I went on to an anti-depressant..but for 2 or 3 years there was no real good reaction in me and the depressive and manic episodes for intense and really painful. Then my doctor asked me if I wanted to give Lithium a try. I was so desperate. I wanted quality of life back. I prayed that day and asked Jesus: “Lord, you are the beginning and the end of everything and I know you can use this medication for my healing. Please do, I am really tired of this….I need you Lord.” Then I took my fist dose of Lithium. I few hours later, I experienced something impossible and amazing. The dark clouds over my head started to vanish, hope filled the space instead. I called my doctor and thanked her and reported what was happening. She was surprised and said: That is impossible. The body only reacts to the medication after 2 weeks. I knew better. I praised my God. I knew HE showed me and HE heard my prayer. From there, we find the right dosage which balanced out a lot in my brain. Being a Christian, I am aware how the spiritual side of things is important to see in this as well. God helps me to balance myself all the time. HIS peace does wonders. Nonetheless, I am contending for complete healing. It is hard to feel myself or trust my judgment sometimes. All in all, I am grateful. I am thankful to God for this walking miracle that I am in this very regard.

“Thank you Almighty God! Thank you for being a faithful God and I know that you work all things for good for me because I love you with all my heart. You hear my cries, you see my tears and you catch those tears. I cast my cares into your arms and I trust you, PAPPA!”

Light - thoughts on a dim winter afternoon

Light, shining in a warm tender sort of way to light up my soul, so engulf my heart into a warm embrace It is not like every light It is not too bright and harsh It is not dangerously hot so as if someone could burn himself NO This light is war and tender its colors are orange, terra cotta red, cream yellow and some shades of brown and other shades of red This light is welcoming and warming up the soul This light brings hope and life This light is what I am warming myself on this rather dim winter afternoon. I am looking up to that light I am looking up siiiigh

Fathers Day

In Germany, Father's Day is always on Ascension Day(Christi Himmelfahrt). So, it is already over. But Fathers Day is coming this Sunday here in South Africa and I think also in the States. Last night as I watched one of my fav. series: CSI, I looked closer as the adverts were running: Buy your dad this for Fathers day, give him a gift card, buy him that..... I had to shake my head slowly. Fathers Day is something different for me, something other than buying something expensive for my dad. First of all, my dad is not close by, so that would be the first thing I think about. Here is what I think Fathers Day is all about. If you still have a dad or someone that fulfilled the role of a dad in your life or a spiritual dad, then invest in that relationship. It is all about relationship. Write him a letter and tell him how he has blessed you or what you like about him. Words do more than a hundred gift cards or chocolates. Here is what I think about when it comes to my dad: My dad is a very courageous man. He had to go through a lot in life and he is standing tall now. My dad taught me how to dance when I was 10. He would make me feel safe all the time. He believes in me and has shown me real love. One thing that I love these days about my dad is how he sends me letters with love for such detail packed with newspaper articles and sweets. I know he cares deeply and I am thankful for that.

I am with you

I am listening to a song by Gateway: FAITHFUL GOD...that really comforts me. I am trusting in a Faithful God, a God that knows all my tears. Every enemy is subject to my Faithful God. To give some perspective to where I am at.....here is a description. It is confirmed and followed up by a painting. A few months ago, I recognized old and unhealthy thought patterns in my life. It reminded me of times I had found myself in depression. I recognized those thoughts. They were without hope but full of despair and without perspective. I cried out to God in inner pain. I went to God's promises in the Bible and tot eh promises HE had given me personally. I know my mind, my sould and body needed to be aligned to HIS order. In that time of agony, God spoke to me; He said:

"Kerstin, please don't be afraid, don't despair, I am here , I am here, I am taking your hand even now!"

One Sunday morning in church, a woman had a picture and as she was telling us what she had seen, I could actually see every single bit of it. It was me walking in a dark valley, there was still a long road ahead of me and I was weary and weak. Then Jesus came from the left into the picture talking to me, He took my hand and I saw us walking hand in hand. Jesus said:"

Don't be afraid of the dark valley, I am here with you and I am the one who is going to pull and guide you out of it.

" After that Sunday, I was inspired to paint the picture above. Here are some explanations to the picture: I painted dear sunrise behind the mountains.It symbolizes the HOPE to me that there will be sun soon in the valley. I wanted to paint Jesus differently than so many artists over the years: my Jesus is buff (he worked as a Carpenter helping his dad Joseph for a long time), that's why I put Carpenter clothes and tools on him. I am now working on a sequel to this picture since I am moving out of this valley....

As surefooted as a deer!

I got to look at Psalm 18 a few days ago and some verses jumped at me. One is verse 33:

"He makes my feet as surefooted as a deer, leading me safely along the mountain heights" (NLT)

I wrote it on a piece of paper and stuck it in my car,so I could look at it when I had to wait for a green light. It really comforts me to know that HE made me so I can walk on those mountain heights. The mountain heights don't represent the HIGH times in my life but rather the difficult times...the times of struggle where I am afraid to slip. But then it says that HE is leading me SAFELY along those heights. That is amazing and really calming. I love the picture I found as I googled IBEX: An ibex is a kind of wild goat that lives in the mountains and has to come down for food and pasture every day: here we have two ibex in the alps looking down - in the background we see the vastness of the alps. Just like the little ibex has the bigger one to the left, I have Jesus. SO awesome....and not only for the hard times in life. In good times HE jumps around with me over the green pastures :) The picture at the bottom shows how surefooted these goats need to be to maneuver around. Stunning. I blogged on IBEX already on this blog. so

Fear versus Trust on a Wendesday morning

These mornings, I have problems to concentrate, I feel weak and have weird stomach problems again. It reminds me of the summer of 2009 when I was in the States and Germany. I was knocked out by that pain and my German doctor suspected helicobacter pylori. She sent me to swallow the scope which I was not able to do. Hence, I never found out (grrr). I just want this thing that causes such discomfort to leave. Apart from all that, I find myself in a spiral of fear. That shows me that I don't really trust my God. I am reading Psalm 84 and Psalm 139 this morning. Psalm 84:1-2

1 How lovely is your dwelling place, O Lord of Heaven’s Armies. 2 I long, yes, I faint with longing to enter the courts of the Lord. With my whole being, body and soul, I will shout joyfully to the living God.

My longing is big and just like the Psalmist says: whole being, body and soul. Yet, it is hard for me to concentrate which makes my quiet times sort of "quiet" and short. I know that He is my refuge, my light and protector as it says further in verse 11. Still I find it hard to trust God and give Him all my fears. One fear adds up to the next and then I read verse 12 and I stop:

12 O Lord of Heaven’s Armies, what joy for those who trust in you.

"Yes, I want to be happy and trust Lord, help me to trust, help me to trust today, I put my worries into your hands, please show me your favor and grant me your peace, Lord!"

The verses 6-7 always encourage and comfort me. Yes, this is my God, the one who transforms the valley of weeping into refreshing springs where pools of blessing await me!

6 When they walk through the Valley of Weeping,[a] it will become a place of refreshing springs. The autumn rains will clothe it with blessings. 7 They will continue to grow stronger, and each of them will appear before God in Jerusalem.[b]

I am thankful that my God chose me, that He knows me and that He even knows what is on my heart this very minute. Reading Psalm 139 strengthens my heart this morning again.

"Thank you my Lord and Maker that you know me, you know my every thought. You chart the path ahead of me and tell me where to stop and rest (verse 3), you place your hand of blessing on my head (verse 5), your hand will guide me and your strength will support me (10), thank you Lord, I love you. Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex! You live in me and I praise you with all I have today...with the tiny little bit of trust and faith I have. Thank you for your faithfulness! Your sunshine K"